Well, it was another bad year. Hope springs eternal, and I’m wishing ten Hag all the best. But I’ve heard all this sort of thing too many times before.
Along with such a transition, comes the parting of ways. Yup, Pogba, Cavani, Matic, Lingard, Mata, and even Lee Grant are all slated to say goodbye, au revoir, adios, zbogom …
Which got me first thinking about this post …
Let me explain … I like using nicknames for my favorite athletes. I usually go with whatever they already have. For the Boston Red Sox, for example, I love Raffy for Devers, Bogie for Bogaerts, Dugie for Verdugo …
But if they don’t have one, or if I’m feeling creative, I’ll come up with my own. Tona Pena, for example, was a member of my beloved Pittsburgh Pirates. He, of course, became Tiny Penis – my all-time fave.
Well, United was so bad this year, it gave me plenty of time while watching them blow another one to come up with something for the whole 21-22 squad. So, before we say goodbye (au revoir, adios, zbogom), here’s what I consider some of my best work. Can you guess who they all are?
- Wacky-Tabacky
- Vanderpump
- Brunando
- Diablo
- De Hey Hey
- Byebye
- Mouthguard
- Hair Band
- Horst
- Large Forehead
- Greenhorn
- Elongate
- Manana Matchstick
- Mini Me
- Wilma
- Pingpong
- Rinkydink
- Rashcream
- Veranda
- The One Ronny
- Telex
- Sancho Panza
- Day-glo
- Scottie Mac
- The Illustrated Swede
- My Favorite Martian
- Phones
Been taking notes? Okay, let’s compare them. Just scroll down for answers.
2. Donny Vanderpump / Donny van de Beek
3. Brunando / Bruno Fernandes
4. Amad Diablo / Amad Diallo
6. Eric Bye-bye / Eric Bailly
8. Hair Band / Edinson Cavani
9. Horst / Luke Shaw
10. Large Forehead / Harry Maguire
11. Mason Greenhorn / Mason Greenwood
12. Anthony Elongate / Anthony Elanga
16. Paul Pingpong / Paul Pogba
20. The One Ronny / Cristiano Ronaldo
21. Telex / Alex Telles
22. Sancho Panza / Jadon Sancho
24. Scottie Mac / Scott MacTominay
25. The Illustrated Swede / Victor Lindelof
26. My Favorite Martian / Anthony Martial
27. Phones / Phil Jones
So, how did you do?
I think the only one that was a real reach was Horst. My other choice for him was Gunther, if that gives you a hint. I tell ta, the guy just looks so darn Teutonic.
And there are definitely some Americanisms and Britishisms in there as well. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a dual national.
It’s funny, but I’ve been routing for United since I was about 10 or so. Back then, soccer wasn’t a big thing here in Murica. For me, it was basically a little section in the back of Sports Illustrated that had a paragraph or two focusing on a single athlete in some obscure sport like badminton, or synchronized swimming, or … soccer.
My high school didn’t even have a soccer team. Now, me and a couple of my buddies did form a soccer “club.” And that was basically getting together after school a couple of times a week and kicking the ball around (for, I don’t know, a couple of months). I think the high point (and low point as well) was when one of the cheerleaders came over to watch us and then asked us … “What are you supposed to be?”
The first time I ever got a chance to play was in intramurals, in college. It was basically the young-adult version of little kids’ first soccer league – a knot of players that follow the ball all around the field, with someone kicking it as hard as they could whenever they were lucky enough to get at it, direction be damned.
My next brush with the “beautiful game” was as a goalie coach on my oldest son’s first attempt at organized sports (I think he was in 1st or 2nd grade). My main duty was to stand behind the goal and bring the keeper's attention away from the flowers they might have been picking and toward the knot of kids barreling right at them.
Though that son didn’t play much past that (and my other son lived and breathed baseball and baseball only), they both got to play some in fun leagues in college and beyond. Heck, my oldest even refereed, and is now an assistant soccer coach at the prep school where he teaches.
And they both still root for United.
