Worst of the Best - Directors

Everybody has a bad day. Even such geniuses as Scorsese, Kubrick & Coppola have directed some turkeys.

Methodology

1. Identify the 20 top directors of recent date* from various lists around the Interwebs
2. Find their worst movie** based on IMDb score
3. Order them here from best to worst (or, really, worse to worstest)

*  I’m trying to limit this to more recent directors, as I’m not sure the turkeys of Bergman, Fellini, Godard, et al. might resonate as well (maybe I’ll save them for another post). In the same spirit, I’m also definitely leaning toward American audiences.

** Real movies – no shorts, TV movies, TV shows, etc.

 

20 – Wes Anderson, Asteroid City

IMDb score: 6.6

Crazy plot:  “Following a writer on his world-famous fictional play about a grieving father who travels with his tech-obsessed family to small rural Asteroid City to compete in a junior stargazing event, only to have his world view disrupted forever.”

Stars:  Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hanks, Bryan Cranston

Scathing review:  “If you asked an AI program to create a Wes Anderson movie, you’d get Asteroid City, the latest — and worst — film from the writer-director of ‘The French Dispatch’ (2021) and ‘Isle of Dogs’ (2018).”  (Boston Globe)

Interesting tidbit:  Filmed in Spain

Vs. best movie:  Budapest Hotel (8.1)

Difference:  1.5

Premiere

19 – Paul Thomas Anderson, Inherent Vice

IMDb score: 6.6

Crazy plot:  “In 1970, drug-fueled Los Angeles private investigator Larry ‘Doc’ Sportello investigates the disappearance of a former girlfriend.”

Stars:  Joaquin Phoenix, Josh Brolin, Owen Wilson

Scathing review:  “Meandering even by Anderson’s standards, is easily the worst of his movies, a soporific 2½-hour endurance test.”  (New York Post)

Interesting tidbit:  First movie treatment of any of Thomas Pynchon's novels

Vs. best movie:  There Will Be Blood (8.2)

Difference:  1.6

18 – Guillermo Del Toro, Crimson Peak

IMDb score: 6.5

Crazy plot:  “In the aftermath of a family tragedy, an aspiring author is torn between love for her childhood friend and the temptation of a mysterious outsider. Trying to escape the ghosts of her past, she is swept away to a house that breathes, bleeds - and remembers.”

“Stars”:  Burn Gorman, Jim Beaver

Scathing review:  “All surface and no substance, sinking under the weight of its own self-importance into the sanguine muck below.” (Variety)

Interesting tidbit:  Filmed in Canada

Vs. best movie:  Pan’s Labyrinth (8.2)

Difference:  1.7

17 – Tim Burton, Dark Shadows

IMDb score: 6.2

Crazy plot:  “An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection.”

Stars:  Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeifer, Christopher Lee, Alice Cooper

Scathing review:  “Dark Shadows manages in two hours what the TV show took six years to do: become irrelevant and remembered only for how sloppy it was.” (Tampa Bay Times)

Interesting tidbit:  Johnny Depp actually plays in a rock band with Alice Cooper called The Hollywood Vampires.

Vs. best movie:  Edward Scissorhand (7.9)

Difference:  1.5

16 – Joel Cohen, The Ladykillers

IMDb score: 6.2

Crazy plot:  “An eccentric, if not charming Southern professor and his crew pose as a classical ensemble in order to rob a casino, all under the nose of his unsuspecting but sharp old landlady.”

“Stars”:  Tom Hanks … Mi Mi Green-Fan, Te Te Benn, Feda Foh Shen

Scathing review:  “Not only have they (Coen Brothers) stripped it of all its wit and charm, they've loaded it down with the kind of race-baiting and bathroom humor they've always avoided in the past.” (Seattle Post-Intelligencer)

Interesting tidbit:  Worst Foreign Director, Yoga Awards

Vs. best movie:  No Country for Old Men (8.2)

Difference:  2

Actually, a remake of a 1955 British film

15 – Martin Scorsese, Boxcar Bertha

IMDb score: 6.0

Crazy plot:  “During the Great Depression, a union leader and a young woman become criminals to exact revenge on the management of a railroad.”

Stars:  Barbara Hershey, David Carradine

Scathing review:  “It's not done in a way that suggests a fully formed talent—'promising juvenilia’ is about the most one can say for it.”  (Chicago Reader)

Interesting tidbit:  Won 7^th place for best foreign film, Turkish Film Critics Association

Vs. best movie:  Goodfellas (8.7)

Difference:  2.7

14 – Woody Allen, What’s Up, Tiger Lilly?

IMDb score:  5.8

Crazy plot:  “A Japanese James Bond-esque spy flick reused and redubbed into the plot of a secret agent searching to uncover a recipe for the world's greatest egg salad in Woody Allen's directorial debut.”

“Stars”:  Osman Yusuf, Zal Yanofsky, Akiko Wakabayashi

Scathing review:  “Projects like this are invariably hit-or-miss, and Tiger Lily misses more often than it hits. Flashes of Allen's wit surface occasionally, particularly during bits in which he appears as himself, but they're few and far between, and generally drowned out by silly voices, a surprising amount of awkward silence, and pacing that makes the film seem much longer than its 80 padded minutes.” (A.V. Club)

Interesting tidbit:  Allen’s directorial debut

Vs. best movie:  Annie Hall (8)

Difference:  2.2

And, undoubtedly, their worst album

 

13 – Quentin Tarantino, My Best Friend’s Birthday

IMDb score: 5.6

Boring plot:  “It's Mickey's birthday and his girlfriend just left him, so that's when his friend Clarence shows him a birthday he'll never forget.”

“Stars”:  Stevo Polyi, Rowland Wafford, Quentin Tarantino

Scathing review:  “Real problem with this movie is that it lacks style. It's a very amateur-like-looking movie and it uses standard camera-positions and weak editing. Because of this not everything in the movie works very well, such as most of the comical moments and the weird kung-fu fight toward the ending.” (bobafett1138.sealteam1138.com)

Interesting tidbit:  Lighting equipment was rented on Friday. Because the rental company wasn't open on weekends, Tarantino paid for one day, but got it for three.

Vs. best movie:  Pulp Fiction (8.9)

Difference:  3.3

12 – Steven Spielberg, Firelight

IMDb score: 5.5

Crazy plot:  “Menacing flying saucers attack the citizens of a town.”

“Stars”:  Lucky Lohr, Robert Robyn, Nancy Spielberg

Interesting tidbit:  Made at age 17

Vs. best movie:  Schindler’s List (9)

Difference:  3.5

Filmed for $500 and made a dollar profit when it was shown at a local theater

 

11 – Ridley Scott, The Counsellor

IMDb score: 5.4

Crazy plot:  “A lawyer finds himself in over his head when he gets involved in drug trafficking.”

Stars:  Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem, Cameron Diaz

Scathing review:  “The Counselor is nothing but a dumb, gory, grab-bag of clichés and the biggest waste of talent since ‘Savages.’ It makes Oliver Stone look subtle.” (Portland Oregonian)

Interesting tidbit:  Screenplay by Cormac McCarthy

Vs. best movie:  Alien (8.5)

Difference:  3.1

 

10 – Stanley Kubrick, Fear and Desire

IMDb score: 5.3

Crazy plot:  “Four soldiers trapped behind enemy lines must confront their fears and desires.”

“Stars”:  Stephen Coit, Kenneth Harp, Toba Kubrick

Scathing review:  “It’s a film that constantly seems to be trying to convince us of its intelligence, deep meaning and profundity, despite the fact it doesn’t really have any of that.”  (biggaypictureshow.com)

Interesting tidbit:  Disowned by Kubrick, who has tried to destroy all copes of it

Vs. best movie:  Dr Strangelove (8.4)

Difference:  3.1

9 – Robert Zemeckis, Pinocchio

IMDb score: 5.1

Crazy plot:  “A puppet is brought to life by a fairy, who assigns him to lead a virtuous life in order to become a real boy.”

“Stars”:  Tom Hanks … Poppy Blackwood, Verity Constantinou, Amira Piddington, Marco De Marlo

Scathing review:  “Zemeckis’ Pinocchio prompts one to wish upon a star that Disney would stop diluting the legacy of its beloved animated features with these soulless knockoffs.”  (Los Angeles Times)  “

Interesting tidbit:  29% Rotten Tomatoes approval rating

Vs. best movie:  Forrest Gump (8.8)

Difference:  3.7

8 – Robert Altman, Dr T and the Women

IMDb score: 4.7

Crazy plot:  “A wealthy gynecologist's ideal life is thrown into turmoil when the women closest to him begin to affect his life in unexpecting ways.”

Stars:  Richard Gere, Helen Hunt, Farah Fawcett, Laura Dern, Shelley Long, Tara Reid, Kate Hudson, Liv Tyler

Scathing review:  “About the only good thing to say about this mess is that it's rotten enough that even Altman cultists may be forced to reconsider their devotion.”  (LA Weekly)

Interestng tidbit:  Reportedly inspired by the Book of Job.

Vs. best movie:  Nashville (7.6)

Difference:  2.9

7 – Oliver Stone, Seizure

IMDb score: 4.7

Crazy plot:  “Jonathan Frid portrays a horror novelist who has a recurring nightmare about three figures out of his book who terrorize him and his family and friends during a weekend of fun. Then the dream becomes reality and it never ends...”

“Stars”:  Jonathan Frid (Barnabas Collins), Martine Bestwick, Herve Villechaize … Christina Pickles

Scathing review:  “You have to stretch to like it. It wasn’t great. I felt back then the same as I do now, that I always wanted to direct, and the horror genre was easier to break in with.”  (Oliver Stone)

Interesting tidbit:  Disowned by Stone

Vs. best movie:  Platoon (8.1)

Difference:  3.4

6 – Steven Soderbergh, Full Frontal

IMDb score: 4.7

Boring plot:  “A day in the life of a group of men and women in Hollywood, in the hours leading up to a friend's birthday party.”

“Stars”:  Julia Roberts … Dawn Suggs, Pliny Porter, Al Ahlf

Scathing review:  “Arid, self-consciously arty and emotionally uninvolving.”  (Variety)

Interesting tidbit:  All actors did their own hair, makeup & wardrobes, as well as arranging their own transportation and food

Vs. best movie:  Traffic (8.1)

Difference:  3.4

5 – Brian De Palma, Domino

IMDb score: 4.5

Crazy plot:  “A Copenhagen police officer seeks justice for his partner's murder by a mysterious man.”

“Stars”:  Roca Rey, Bieke Ilegems, Paprika Steen

Scathing review:  “Even die-hard De Palma completists would be better served by forgetting this one exists – a tedious, ugly thriller devoid of anything to say that will serve as a regrettable footnote for a distinguished film-maker who is capable of so much more.”  (The Guardian)

Interesting tidbit:  Cost a mere $6 million

Vs. best movie:  Scarface (8.3)

Difference:  3.8

4 – Spike Lee, Da Sweet Blood of Jesus

IMDb score: 4.5

Crazy plot:  “An anthropologist awakes with a thirst for blood after an assistant stabs him with a cursed dagger..”

“Stars”:  Lil Buck, Al Palagonia, Chrystal Atmosphere, Lady Peachena

Scathing review:  “Glacially paced, stiffly acted, shapeless, and for the most part tremendously boring.” (The Dissolve)

Interesting tidbit:  Funded by Kickstarter

Vs. best movie:  Do the Right Thing (8)

Difference:  3.5

3 – Pedro Almodovar, Folle... folle... fólleme Tim!

IMDb score: 4.1

Crazy plot:  “A poor girl works in a general store with a blind boyfriend playing guitar. He becomes famous and she also becomes blind.”

“Stars”:  Pedro Almodovar, 3 others (total cast)

Scathing review:  no reviews at all (?!?!)

Interesting tidbit:  Translates as Fuck... Fuck... Fuck Me, Tim!

Vs. best movie:  Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (7.6)

Difference:  3.5

2 – James Cameron, Pirhana II: The Spawning

IMDb score: 3.8

Crazy plot:  “A scuba diving instructor, her biochemist boyfriend, and her police chief ex-husband try to link a series of bizarre deaths to a mutant strain of piranha fish whose lair is a sunken freighter ship off a Caribbean island resort.”

“Stars”:  Ancile Gloudon, Gaetano Del Grande, Captain Kidd Brewer Jr.

Scathing review:  “The special effects are awful (the piranhas are obviously hand puppets) and the script worse.” (TV Guide)

Interesting tidbit:  Shared directing credit with 2 others

Vs. best movie:  Titanic (7.9)

Difference:  4.1

1 – Francis Ford Coppola, The Bellboy and the Playgirls

IMDb score: 2.9

Crazy plot:  “This Bellboy is after more than just big tips.”

“Stars”:  June “The Bosom” Wilkinson

Scathing review:  “The issue with the film is that it's so atrociously boring that one might feel as though watching paint dry would literally be a better and more exciting experience.” (blue-ray.com)

Interesting tidbit:  A re-edited version of the 1958 German film The Sin Began with Eva

Vs. best movie:  Godfather (9.2)

Difference:  6.3

Minor League Team Names – AAA

Man, there sure are a lotta dumb minor league team names out there. I’m talking Sod Poodles, Muck Dogs, Rumble Ponies, Trash Pandas, Macon Bacon …

I mean, it’s fun and all, but there are some of us who prefer something a little more dignified, maybe even something with some history behind it.

So, here’s a look at team names for the top level of the minors, Triple A. I’m going to rank them, from best to worst. For the latter, I’ll even come up with some suggestions for name changes.

Durham Bulls

This one’s been around for over 100 years – 110, to be exact. There are also some great associations with the city. For one, Bull Durham was a famous tobacco back in the day. Two, probably the greatest baseball movie ever featured just this team. Total keeper.

Rochester Red Wings

This one’s been for almost 100 years (falling just 5 short, at 95). Interestingly, the name came from a contest. There were some ties to the parent club at the time (the Cardinals) as well as to local Native American history. As for the hockey team? They actually came four years later. Definite keeper.

Buffalo Bison

They’ve been around 145 years and relate to the city name well (better than the Bills, IMHO). Easy keeper.

St Paul Saints

St Paul doesn’t have much history at AAA, but they certainly do with the name of Saints (122 years, no less). It’s also an obvious choice given the city name. Total keeper.

Indianapolis Indians

Another obvious one from the city name. It’s also been around for 122 years. Definite keeper.

Charlotte Knights

Kinda surprised this one hadn’t been snagged by a major league franchise before the Golden Knights of Las Vegas sorta did so in 2017. The Knights have been in Charlotte for 41 years. (The Hornets had a longer association, but the name’s pretty much been taken by the NBA franchise.) There’s also a nice association with the city, which was named after Queen Charlotte. Easy keeper.

Memphis Redbirds

Though a number of cities have gone with this over the years, Memphis has owned it for the last 25. A more historical name would be the Chicks, or the Chickasaws, which tallied 65 years. Redbirds are just fine, though, so let’s stick with that.

Pete Gray

Worcester Red Sox

In general, I do not like names that are just repeats of the parent club. For Worcester, though, almost everyone calls them the Woo Sox. Same with the Paw Sox, when the team was in Pawtucket, RI for 49 years. Given that, I think the official name is just fine.

Norfolk Tides

This one’s been around for a good 60 years, as well as reflects the city’s location on the Chesapeake Bay. Keeper.

Nashville Sounds

It’s a bit odd, but has been in place for 45 years, so I think it’s safe. They were the Volunteers for 62 years, but that’s so closely tied to the Univ. of Tennessee that it wouldn’t be right to repeat it here. Sounds it is.

Columbus Clippers

Now, this would be a great name for some city on the seaboard, not one in landlocked Ohio. That said, it’s alliterative and has been around for 46 years, so let’s keep it. 

Toledo Mud Hens

At first blush, this seems like one that was just created – something along the lines of Muck Dogs or Trash Pandas, say. Interestingly, though, it’s over 100 years old (108, to be exact). 

Wondering what a mud hen is? According to milb.com, “A mud hen is a marsh bird with short wings and long legs that inhabits swamps or marshes. Such birds have been known as marsh hens, rails, coots, or mud hens.” Turns out the original stadium was built on a marsh where these birds hung out. It’s a little out there, but history alone says it’s a keeper.

Iowa Cubs (Oaks)

Like I said before, I don’t like team names that are just repeats of their parent club’s. For this one, we have several possible alternatives – Demons (15), Oaks (12) & Bruins (12). Demons are good, but that would force a change to Des Moines from Iowa. I have no idea what Bruins is doing here, so let’s go with Oaks. It goes with a former hockey team there called the Oak Leaves, as well as some oak-named urban features like neighborhoods, parks & streets.

Syracuse Mets (Chiefs)

Where Cubs have been in Iowa for 45 years, Mets have called Syracuse home for only 4. Contrast that with the team’s former name, the Chiefs, which had been in place for 84 years. Really need to switch back.

Louisville Bats (Colonels)

Once again, it’s clever (i.e., Louisville Sluggers vs mammals of the order chiroptera). Personally, though, I think it’s a little too clever. Though it’s been around for 21 years, a former moniker, Colonels, was around for 86. Given that, and its close association with Kentucky (Col. Sanders, anyone?), let’s go with Colonels.

Omaha Storm Chasers (Tornadoes)

Sure, let’s name our team after a bunch of idiots who endanger their lives chasing tornadoes so they can capture footage of them and upload that footage to YouTube. Why not?

Unfortunately, there aren’t many other candidates from the team’s history. They were the – boring – Royals for what seemed like forever.

If they want to go with a tornado theme, why not just simply call them the Tornadoes, or Cyclones, or Twisters?

Scranton/Wilkes-Barre RailRiders (Miners)

This one wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the faddish squeezing together of two words with a capital in the middle (YouTube, TikTok, WhatsApp …), And what’s a rail rider anyway? Do they mean hobos?

Luckily, there’s an alternative that makes a lot more sense, plus has 41 years of history behind it (RailRiders only has 10). And that would be the Miners.

Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp (Suns)

Ugh! Honestly, what self-respecting ballplayer would want to be know as a Jumbo Shrimp? This one’s been around for only 6 years, contrasting with the previous name, the Suns, which was around for 47. Time to go back.

Yup, that’s Tom Seaver alright

Lehigh Valley IronPigs (Dukes)

The absolute worst. First, what the heck is an iron pig? Second is the cutesy – and annoying – spelling and capitalization. Hard to believe it’s been around for 15 years.

Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of historical names to choose from. We’ve got Ambassadors (7 years) and Dukes (4). Ambassadors makes no sense, so let’s go with Dukes.

Yup, they actually stooped that far