totally random garbage: 2025 MLB All-Schlub Team

Ah, All-Star week is upon us. Ohtani, Judge, Skubal, Jacob Wilson, Ryan O’Hearn, Jacob Misiorowski … Wait, who were those last three again?

3 points if you know who this is

Yeah, the All-Star game ain’t what it used to be. The rosters are huge, lotsa stars opt out (Crochet, Jose Ramirez, Zach Wheeler this year), some of the worst teams in baseball history (Rockies, Chisox, Athletics) have to send somebody …

All that got me wondering … What would the opposite of the All Stars look like?

Methodology

For each league and position, find the players with the worst WAR
Show some of their worst stats
Share a few tidbits about them
Find the most unflattering photo of them I could find

Catcher

AL – Jacob Stallings (COL)

WAR: -1.0, avg: 146
Split season between COL & BAL
10-year vet, has played with 4 teams
Former Gold Glove winner
Has pitched in 9 games

I understand he dropped it

NL – Elias Diaz (SD)

WAR: -0.6, avg: 194, 54 Ks in 186 ABs
From Venezuela
11-year vet, with 3 teams
1-time All Star, MVP
Led league in catcher assists, DPs & caught stealing (but also errors, twice)
Struck out in his 1 post-season AB
Nickname El Maracucho (the one from Maracaibo)

1st Base

AL – Triston Casas (BOS)

WAR: -1.0, avg: 182, on the DL for rest of season
Graduated high school early to enter the draft, 1st rounder
Ex-Olympian
Came in 3rd in 2023 ROY voting
Wears fingernail polish on the field
Nickname is “Houses” (?!?!)
Plays the piano

NL – Andrew Vaughn (MIL)

WAR: -1.4, avg: 200
Traded from CWS midseason, used mostly as a DH by MIL
Berkeley alum, Golden Spikes winner
Drafted 3rd in 2020
Olympian
Has been a HarborCat, Gateman & Intimidator in minors
5-year MLB vet
Once died his hair pink

2nd Base

AL – Kristian Campbell (BOS)

WAR: -1.0
Signed an 8-year, $60M contract at beginning of year, now batting 206 in Worcester
Georgia Tech alum
Father played football at Tennessee
Only MLBer in history with the 1st name Kristian (middle name is Eron)
Nickname "Barry Bonds" (?!?!)

NL – Adael Amador (COL)

WAR: -1.1, avg: 146, 25 Ks in 89 ABs
Dominican Republic native
Has been an Isotope & Yard Goat in minors
Only MLBer in history with the 1st name Adael

Shortstop

AL – Jacob Amaya (CWS)

WAR: -1.0, avg: 097, 6 hits in 62 at bats
Committed to Cal State-Fullerton but signed with Dodgers
2,515 minor league ABs
Has been a Quake, Desert Dog & Jumbo Shrimp
3 years in bigs, with 3 different teams
Grandfather played in Dodgers organization

NL – Joey Ortiz (MIL)

WAR: -0.7, avg 207
New Mexico State alum, drafted by BAL
Has been an Aggie, Stinger & IronBird prior to bigs
Traded to MIL for Corbin Burns
3 years in bigs
Had 2.7 WAR in 2024, went 0-11 in postseason
Nickname "Tito"

3rd Base

AL – Josh Rojas (CWS)

WAR: -1.3, avg 176
Univ. of Hawaii alum, drafted in 26th round (receiving a $1,000 signing bonus)
Has been a Kettleer, Rainbow Warrior, River Bandit & Hook prior to bigs
7-year MLB vet, with 3 teams
3 years in top 10 for errors committed as a 3B
Has pitched in 4 games (with 13.50 ERA & 8.21 WHIP)

NL – Santiago Espinal (CIN)

WAR: -0.7, 0 HRs in 252 ABs
Has played 5 different positions this season
6-year vet, 1-time All Star, career 4.3 WAR
Pitched in 2 games (9.00 ERA)
Has been a RiverRat, Saguaro & Orientale
From the Dominican

That’s him on the right

DaShawn Keirsey Jr (MIN)

WAR: -1.1, avg: 101, 24 Ks in 72 ABs
Utah alum, rookie
Has been a Ute, Kernel & Glacier Pilot in minors
Only MLBer in history with the 1st name DaShawn
Born-again Christian

Heston Kjerstad (BAL)

WAR: -1.4, avg: 192
Arkansas alum, drafted 2nd in 2020
1010 college OPS, 294 avg in minors
Developed myocarditis & missed the 2021 season
Has been a Scorpion, Shorebird & IronBird in minors
3 years in bigs
Only MLBer in history with the 1st name Heston
Nickname is “Silent J,” for the pronunciation of his last name

Yes, Heston is old enough to drive

Hunter Renfroe (KC)

WAR: -1.5, avg: 182
Mississippi State alum, 1st rounder in draft
10-year vet, playing with 7 teams
In 3,422 ABs, has 192 HRS & 510 RBIs
Led league in assists 2 times & errors 3 times
In 25 postseason games, batted 172
Was once traded for Janson Junk & Elvis Peguero
Was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis this season
Other Renfroe major leaguers include Marshall, Laddie & Chico

Jordan Walker (STL)

WAR: -0.9, avg: 210, 63 Ks in 191 ABs
Currently on rehab recovering from appendicitis
6'5", 250 lbs
1st rounder out of high school, $2.9M signing bonus
Homered on 1st AB (with the Low-A Palm Beach Cardinals)
3 years in MLB, had 16 HRs in 2023
Other Jordan Walkers play mens basketball & womens basketball, and include an actor & a singer

Sean Bouchard (COL)

WAR: -1.0, avg: 167
UCLA alum
Has been a JetHawk, Gull, Angler, Sweet, Tourist, Yard Goat, Isotope & Orange Picker (Naranjero) in minors
4 years in bigs
Has 4 names – Sean Walter Bernard Bouchard

Brenton Doyle (COL)

WAR: -1.9, avg: 202
Still managed 9 HRs & 7 SBs
Div 2 Shepherd Univ (WV) grad
Has been a Yard Goat & Isotope in MiLB
3 years in bigs
Has led league in 18 defensive categories (range factor / game as CF, range factor . 9 innings as CF, etc.)
2 Gold Gloves
Only MLBer in history with the 1st name Brenton
Is the voice greeting travelers on the train to Denver Intl. Airport

Tyler Alexander (CWS)

WAR: -1.3, ERA: 6.19
TCU alum
Has been a SeaWolf, Flying Tiger & Mud Hen in minors
7-year MLB vet, with 4 teams
Nickname “Todd the Painter” (?!?!)

David Wells, is that you?

Kumar Rocker (TEX)

WAR: -1.2, ERA: 6.39
Dad played in NFL, won Lombardi Award & Outland Trophy in college
Mom is from India
Another Vanderbilt alum, CWS MVP, threw no-hitter
Drafted #3, $5.2M signing bonus, rookie
Has been a Commodore, Saguaro, ValleyCat, RoughRider & Crawdad prior to MLB
Nickname “Thunder”

Walker Buehler (BOS)

WAR: -1.4, ERA: 6.12
Winner of "Cy Yuk" award this year by Athletic writer Jayson Stark
Another Vanderbilt alum, 1st round draft pick
Has been a Commodore, Driller, Quake & Loon prior to biogs
8-year MLB vet, 2-time All Star
10-3 in offseason, with 3.04 ERA & 1.15 WHIP
Nicknames are “Ferris” (of course) & “Buehtane”

My thoughts too, Walker

Tanner Houck (BOS)

1-2, WAR: -1.5, ERA: 8.04
Mizzou grad, 1st round draft pick
Played for US National Team
Has been a Spinner, Sea Dog & Javelina in MiLB
6-year MLB vet, 7.7 career WAR, All Star
Has an adopted sister, started a charity in support of adoption

Bryce Elder (ATL)

3-6, WAR: -1.0, ERA: 5.65, 47 hits in 29 IPs
Parents both played sports at Sam Houston State
Lettered in golf in high school
Texas alum
Was a Gateman & Striper in the minors, threw combined no hitter
4th year in MLB
Was 12-4 & an All Star in 2024
20.25 ERA & 2.25 WHIP in postseason

Not to be confused with Zach Galifianakis

Didier Fuentes (ATL)

WAR: -1.0, ERA: 13.85, WHIP: 2.83
From Colombia
Has been a GreenJacket, Striper, Emperor & Clingstone in minors
Rookie, youngest player in NL
Only MLBer in history with the 1st name Didier

No, no, Didier – you need to pitch the ball overhand in the bigs

Ben Brown (CUB)

WAR: -1.2, 6.13 ERA
Siena alum
Has been a BlueClaw, Crosscutter & Smokie in the minors
2nd year in MLB
Once traded for David Roberston
Other Ben Browns include a football player, basketball player, musician, journalist, politician, author & cricketeer