Who To Invite to Your Republican Orgy

Just this week, Rep. Madison Cawthorn claimed that his House colleagues were inviting him to orgies and doing cocaine in front of him. Well, that certainly got social media talking – and speculating about who that might be.

Since we can’t imagine any Democrats associating with him, it sounds like he must be throwing his Republican colleagues under the (party) bus. Who, though, might those colleagues be exactly?

Well, here are my guesses, in reverse order of likelihood. I’m also including any interesting tidbits I could find about them, with an emphasis on scandals and craziness.

I tell ya - these people are hot, hot, hot!

#25 - Rep Don Young, AK

• Passed away in March, and has yet to be replaced
• Had been in office for 49 years
• Did not do town halls
• Part of a probe about corruption in Alaska (though never charged)
• Investigated by the House Ethics Committee for illegal gifts (ditto)
• Shared an 18-inch walrus’s penis bone on the floor of the House
• Once pinned John Boehner to a wall with a 10-inch knife

#24 - Rep Ron Wright, TX

• Wrote op-eds recommending public executions & display of the corpses
• Died of Covid earlier this year, and was replaced by Jake Ellzey
• COMMENT - Nothing says "sex machine" like a bow tie

#23 - Rep John Rose, TN

#22 - Rep Jim Hagedorn, MN

• Called two colleagues “undeserving bimbos in tennis shoes,” celebrated the death of another & bashed gays
• Based on some of these comments, Intel & UnitedHealth Group have asked for their contributions back
• Office mailing scandal
• Recently passed away, and has not yet been replaced
• Wife is running for his seat, but resigned from her position as head of the Minnesota GOP because of a toxic work environment & ties to sex trafficker Anton Lazzaro 

#21 - Rep Louie Gohmert, TX

• Refuses to hold town hall meetings
• Compared Barack Obama to Hitler, claimed he was in league with the Muslim Brotherhood & accused him of spreading Ebola
• Claimed that ISIS was at the US/Mexico border, the Flood was caused by gay marriage & the Charlottesville riots were a false flag operation
• Wanted martial law declared at the US/Mexico border & Jerry Brown tried for treason
• Once screamed at Eric Holder in a hearing to “not cast aspersions on the asparagus”
• Has been called “America’s craziest and dumbest” congressman by the Lincoln Project

#20 - Rep Troy Nehls, TX

Fired from a police department for 20 violations, including destroying evidence, making improper arrests & being AWOL on duty

#19 - Rep Greg Steube, FL

Has sponsored bills to allow travelers to bring guns into airports

#18 - Rep Clay Higgins, LA

• Resigned from Opelousas PD before he could be disciplined for police brutality
• Resigned from another PD after getting dinged for aggressive questioning, insubordination, and misusing his uniform & badge for personal gain
• Has had several Facebook posts taken down for inciting violence
• Has been married four times & sued for $140,000 in unpaid child support
• Sleeps in his office

#17 - Rep Dan Crenshaw, TX

• Born in Scotland
• Speaks Spanish
• Lost his eye in Afghanistan
• Served as a Navy SEAL
• Told the Jan. 6 insurrectionists to “Stop this bullshit right now"

#16 - Rep Scott DesJarlais, TN

• Former general practitioner
• Pressured a former mistress to get an abortion
• Divorce docs accused him of “dry firing a gun outside [his ex’s] locked bedroom door, admission of suicidal ideation, holding a gun in his mouth for three hours, an incident of physical intimidation at the hospital; and previous threatening behavior … i.e. shoving, tripping, pushing down, etc.”
• Also cheated on his ex with at least 6 other women, including colleagues, pharma reps & patients
• Named the “Biggest Hypocrite in Congress” by POLITICO
• Nominated Trump for a Nobel prize

#15 - Rep Jerry Carl, AL

#14 - Dusty Johnson, SD

• Received money from sex trafficker Anton Lazzaro
• Called a “GOP Socialist” by a local media outlet

#13 - Rep Steve Chabot, OH

• Advocates teaching Intelligent Design in schools
• Has ordered police to seize recording devices at his town halls
• Had a campaign manager sentenced to federal prison for embezzlement 

#12 - Rep Ron Estes, KS

• Took over for Mike Pompeo
• Beat another Ron Estes in the Republican primary

#11 - Rep Tom Cole, OK

• Member of the Chickasaw Nation
• Has a PhD & taught at the University of Oklahoma

#10 - Rep Glenn Thompson, PA

• Firefighter
• Sponsored a resolution to name a particular week in 2019 as "BatWeek"

#9 - Rep Hal Rogers, KY

• Has been called “The Prince of Pork”
• Named by Rolling Stone as one of the “Ten Worst Congressmen”
• Called a “national disgrace” by the National Review & a “congressional disgrace” by CBS News
• Told the chair of the Congressional Black Caucus to “kiss my ass”
• Fined $5,000 by the House Ethics Committee for security violations

#8 - Sen Mitch McConnel, KY

Way too much to include here

#7 - Rep Mariannette Miller-Meeks, IA

• Former ophthalmologist
• Fined for refusing to wear a mask on the House floor
• Retweeted – in all seriousness – a fake news article from the satirical news website delawareohionews.com  
• Target of a House complaint about not fully disclosing her finances

#6 - Rep Billy Long, MO

• Former auctioneer & World Poker Tour player
• Shared a tweet that compared Brett Kavanaugh’s sexual misconduct to a “kiss on the forehead”
• Called YouTube “un-American” for deleting one of his campaign ads

#5 - Rep H Morgan Griffith, VA

COMMENT:  Must be the lighting on this one

#4 - Rep John Curtis, UT

Considered something of a RINO

#3 - Rep Trent Kelly, MS

Was actually the target of the shooter who struck Steve Scalise

#2 - Rep Scott Fitzgerald, WI

• Did not write The Great Gatsby
• Is not related to Dick Cheney

#1 - Rep Virginia Foxx, SC

• Nicknamed “Hide your biscuits,” from her propensity to fill her coat with buffet treats
• One of only 11 members of congress who voted against Hurricane Katrina relief
• Lies include that the Matthew Shepard murder was a robbery, Republicans passed the Civil Rights Act & crazed shooter Jared Loughner was a communist
• Nominated Trump for a Nobel prize
• COMMENT - "Crazy like a fox" doesn't even begin to describe it

Might have to balance with a demo orgy post.  Stay tuned.

NC Governors - Place of Birth

For some reason, I’m obsessed with North Carolina’s governors. Apart from NC being my home state, I’m also a huge history and politics buff.

I’m also a huge presidential buff. I’ve got multiple books on them as a whole – histories, trivia, even travel books …

I guess I figure governors are the closet thing at the state level. Now, there are bios of individual governors (though most of these are pretty obscure). What’s surprising, though, is how little info there is out there comparable to the stuff I have on the presidents. 

So, why not just roll my own?

You know, I could probably get a couple of posts out of this. But, heck, let’s start with where these guys were born.

Methodology & Results

There have been 67 governors of the state of North Carolina. To tell you the truth, all I did was simply look at what counties they were born in, then throw those on a map:

Key

Governors born outside NC:

• Black ring – outside US
• Red ring – Confederate states
• Purple ring – border states
• Blue ring – Union states

Governors born inside NC:

• Red dot – statehood to 1800 (post-Colonial)
• Green dot – 1800 to Civil War (antebellum)
• Light blue dot – Civil War to 1900 (Civil War, Reconstruction & Redemption)
• Blue dot – 1900 to 1973 (Democratic lock)
• Purple – 1973 to present (mixed elections)
• Black dot – from multiple eras

Both

The size of the ring denotes how many governors have been from that county

Interpretation

• 22% of governors have been from outside NC, with 9% from Virginia alone (& 4% from outside the US)
• Rockingham has provided the most with 5, Buncombe the 2nd most with 3
• 6 others have each supplied 2 (Alamance, Wayne, Halifax, Bertie, Mecklenburg & Edgecombe)

• Overall, there’s a pretty good distribution across the state
• The far west and the northern foothills are the only areas that have really missed out

• No real patterns historically
• That said, the antebellum era seemed to go straight across the state, from Washington County to Burke
• For some reason, there were a lot of governors from counties along the SC border in the 1st three-quarters of the 20th Century 

The Next American Civil War

This is actually something that’s been getting a lot of traction lately. And all that’s probably because of a book by one Stephen Marche called, fittingly, The Next Civil War. I haven’t read it yet, but I understand it has a map of what the US will look like after it’s all over.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find that map on the Interwebs. I did, though, come up with something similar myself a couple of years ago. Before sharing that, though, let me share a few of the maps that I did find, all of which seemed pretty poorly informed.


Slate

Well, Slate’s usually pretty reliable, but I have couple of questions here:

• What are super red states like Idaho and Utah doing teaming up with the Left Coast?
• Similarly, are Kentucky and West Virginia really going to get together with New England?
• What, exactly, do Alaska and Hawaii have in common?

That said, I do like how it groups the South & the heart of the country.  They’re both pretty reliably red.


Quora

Hmm.  Well, this one seems to be a combo of geography and history.  Many, many questions here:

• Is the Midlands really a donut?
• Are Louisiana and Quebec really the same country?
• How does Appalachia include Oklahoma, Texas and Kansas?
• Do Michiganders and Minnesotans really think of themselves as Yankees?
• And why isn’t Yankeedom contiguous?
• Could the Left Coast be any skinnier?
• What’s the likelihood of Canada and Mexico splitting up as well?

I’m not sure what I like on this one.


Medium

Along those same lines, here’s something that the poster calls “America Balkanized.” I admit it could happen. Just not sure if it would happen to this degree, or in this particular way. For example:

• Breaking up the South into 6 different sections just doesn’t make that much sense. It’s a pretty cohesive group of states.
• Same thing with Wisconsin and Michigan. Are they put together just because of the Great Lakes?
• Ditto with Texas and Louisiana. Is it just an oil thing?

In addition, the names of the different countries seem to point to non-political, non-cultural, and non-historical underpinnings – Anasazi, Headwaters, Huron, Oglala … 

Given all that, kudos for separating out Alaska and Hawaii. I also like the focus on the West Coast and the Northeast. Those do seem to be pretty distinct entities, especially relative to the rest of the country.


Reddit

Now, this one seems to have gone in just the opposite direction – too few new countries. And that only begs questions like:

• Would New England and the Deep South be likely partners?
• How about Massachusetts and West Virginia?
• How about California and Idaho?

I really like the idea of a rump state here. I also like that the way it's dealt with the territories. My guess, though, is that they might go off on their own – well, at the very, least Puerto Rico.


Moi

So, how about mine?  Well, here you go:

What I like about this one:

• Meaningful, political divisions (esp. when it comes to separating the red from the blue)
• Large blocks of cohesive areas
• No crazy borders
• No splitting states 

As you can see, I also put in likely capitals, as well as some suggestions for flags. I’m even thinking I could provide them with some likely heads of state as well:

• New England – Elizabeth Warren
• Southern States of America – Donald Trump
• USA – Mike Pence
• Pacifica – Kamala Harris

I’m not exactly up on Alaskan and Hawaiian politics, so maybe we could just go with the governors there.

The only part that really bothered me here was the capital of one country, Washington DC, bumping right up against the border of another (i.e., northern Virginia). Combine that with the notoriously blue counties around DC, and you might want to either restore the original boundaries of DC:

Or just pick multiple counties that could act as a barrier. Interestingly, those counties are already identified by the state itself, through the Virginia Association of Counties (the red ones, oddly enough):

Most Ridiculous Bowl Games

Boy, there sure are a lotta bowl games out there. Forty-one, to be exact.

Not like the good ol’ days. Back then, there were only a handful of ‘em. And they were typically pretty straightforward affairs. Set up a couple of conferences against each other, find some city in a warmer part of the country, then give it all a name touting some local product – peaches, oranges, sugar, cotton …

Nowadays, though, pretty much anything goes. And, over the years, that has led to some pretty silly names and concepts. Here are my top 20, in order of increasing ridiculousness.

20.  Tailgreeter Cure Bowl (Orlando FL, 2004-2009)

Okay, I kinda like this one. The “Cure” is for breast cancer, with all proceeds going to research. Not sure I woulda guessed that on my own though.

“Tailgreeter”? No clue. According to the Google, though, they are a “digital marketplace that connects tailgate hosts with fans that prefer to join a tailgate instead of trying to set it up themselves.” No idea if they’ll be around next year or not.

Trivia

• Only dates back to 2015
• Takes place in the wonderfully named Camping World Stadium
• Is primarily for Sun Belt Conference teams

Of course it's pink

19.  Brut Sun Bowl / Vitalis Sun Bowl (El Paso TX, 2004-2009)

Two pretty cheesy, definitely old-fashioned, rather smelly menscare products. What better way to add a little class to one of the older bowls (1935) out there?

Well, at least they didn’t name it after those products’ parent corporation. Yup, can you imagine the Helen of Troy Bowl?

Trivia

• The 1940 game, between Arizona State and Catholic Univ., was particularly exciting, ending in a 0-0 tie
• Participants have included Texas Mines (now UTEP), Hardin-Simmons, Second Air Force & the Universidad Nacional Autonoma de Mexico
• MVPs have included Arnold Ale, Junior Arteburn, Billy Joe [sic] & Preston Ridlehuber
• I wonder if they doused the winning coach with this stuff?

He’d probably reek for weeks

18.  GMAC Mobile Alabama Bowl (Mobile AL, 2018-2019)

I wonder where this one is? Oh, Mobile! You mean Mobile, Alabama, right? Not Mobile, NY, or Mobile, CA, or Mobile North Dakota?

Heck, maybe they just named it that way so it wouldn’t be confused with the Mobil Corporation. You remember them, don’t you? Heck, they’re still around, aren’t they?

Trivia

• Was once held in Ladd-Peebles Stadium
• Has also been sponsored by GoDaddy
• Set a bowl record for most points (125) and biggest differential (56)
• Brian Leftwich, Ben Roethlisberger & Cornelious Brown IV have all been MVPs

Never sponsored a bowl, as far as I know

17.  Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl (Nassau, 2018-2019)

You know, this one doesn’t sound all that crazy. Who in the heck, though, is Makers Wanted? 

Well, would you believe it’s the slogan for the “largest consolidated business park in North America,” located in Elk Grove Village, IL?

Trivia

• Also once sponsored by Popeye’s
• Not the first bowl outside the US, with Havana, Cuba formerly sponsoring the Bacardi Bowl
• Award is called the Prime Minister’s Trophy
• Cooper Rush, with Central Michigan, threw for 497 yards in 2014

Well, whaddya know.  Looks like they sponsor the American dream as well.

16.  Dollar General Bowl (Mobile AL, 2016-18)

Once again, not that crazy. But just consider what it feels like to play in a game sponsored by a super-cheap, definitely down-market dollar store. I mean, have you ever been in one of those things?

Trivia – see # 19, above

15.  Transperfect Music City Bowl (Nashville TN, 2020-)

So, what exactly is “transperfect music”? Okay, seriously, “Music City” I get. What the heck, though, is “Transperfect”?

Well, turns out it’s “TransPerfect,” and it’s a “translation, E-Discovery and language services company.”  Kinda reminds me of some of the rinky-dink / flash-in-the-pan companies from other bowl games –AdvoCare (an MLM), Royal Purple, magicJack, homepoint.com (also a Music City sponsor, and now defunct) …

Trivia

• Auburn set a bowl record by scoring 56 in a single half against Purdue in 2018
• Is known for upsets
• MVPs have included a kicker & a punter
• Tennessee & Purdue combined for 666 total yards in the latest version (2021)
• Gaylord was another sponsor

14.  uDrove Humanitarian Bowl (Boise ID, 2010)

Not sure what’s more interesting here. First, we’ve got the totally obscure uDrove. According to the Interwebs, the company does actually exist, and “provides innovative fleet management solutions for the transportation industry.” It appears to be located in a small town in Idaho, employ 44 people, & lack its own website. I have no idea how they managed to fund a bowl.

Equally baffling is the callout to humanitarians. Boosterish callouts to local attractions – oranges, cotton, potatoes, gators, pinstripes – I can understand. But civic virtue? I’ll be waiting for a future Philanthropy Bowl, or Benevolence Bowl, or Civility Bowl.

Well, whaddya know – it all comes back to that major Boise attraction, the World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, that’s now closed, and memorabilia relating to Julius Erving, Steve Young, Edgar Martinez & others now reside in a warehouse in Santa Clara.

Trivia

• Other sponsors include Crucial Technology (since renamed), MPC Computers (now defunct), Roady’s Truck Stops & The Idaho Potato Commission (see below)
• Longest running cold-weather bowl (since 1997)
• When Roady’s was the sponsor, featured a "Highway Angel of the Year," a truck driver who was honored for saving the life of a motorist
• MVPs include Josh Allen, Colin Kaepernick & Zach Wilson
• Idaho & Colorado State scored 111 points total in 2016

First 7 returns for “uDrove” on the Google

13.  Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl (Shreveport LA, 1990-97)

Points for length, weird product & funny name (hey, it begins with “poo”!). 

The “Independence” part comes from the year the bowl was founded (1976). “Poulan” comes from Claude Poulan, who founded a tool company in Shreveport back in 1912. “Weed Eater” is just a stroke of marketing genius.

Trivia 

• 2000 game, between Texas A&M and Mississippi State, featured a very rare snowstorm
• 2015 game, between and Tulsa & VA Tech, set a bowl record for most points total in a half, with 76
• Eli Manning, Daniel Jones & Gary Kubiak have been MVPs
• Has been derisively called the “Weed Whacker Bowl”

Claude also invented the chainsaw

12.  Heart of Dallas Bowl presented by PlainsCapital Bank (Dallas TX, 2012)

8 words! 45 characters! 53 including spaces! It’s a new world record!

This is now known as the Servpro First Responder Bowl. It was originally known as the Dallas Football Classic.

PlainsCapital Bank? Just some local bank.

Trivia

• The bowl’s motto is “not your average bowl game” (though I'm not exactly sure why)
• Was formerly played in the Cotton Bowl
• Is now played at Gerald R. Ford Stadium, at SMU
• Case Keenum generated 542 yards of total offense in a 2012 game between Houston & Penn State

Guess it woulda taken a lot more money to get the bank first

11.  Mineral Water Bowl (Excelsior Springs MO, 1990-)

So, first of all, this is Division II. I guess that’s better, though, than when it was NAIA (1954-75), junior colleges (1992-99) & high schools (1947-51).

Excelsior Springs is a suburb of Kansas City, with a population of 10,000. There are indeed some springs, which were popular in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. 

The official sponsor is the Excelsior Springs Quarterback Club.

Trivia

• Div II competitors have included Washburn, Bemidji State & Winona State
• NAIA ones counted Parsons, William Jewell, College of Emporia, Friends & Graceland
• Junior college invitees included Middle Georgia, Snow, Blinn & Itawamba

Lots of Google Image results like this one

10.  Duck Commander Independence Bowl (Shreveport LA, 2014)

Okay, now we’re talkin’. What could be a more ridiculous sponsor than something called Duck Commander?

Well, would you believe it’s related to the Duck Dynasty TV show? It’s not something I ever watched, but I guess it was all about this local company that produces duck calls. Interestingly, the founder, Phil Roberston, played QB at Louisiana Tech.

Trivia – see #13, above

Robertson actually started ahead of Terry Bradshaw (though his 44% pass completion rate & 12-34 touchdown-to-interception left a little to be desired)

9.  Duke’s Mayo Bowl (Charlotte NC, 2020-)

Originally the Queen City Bowl, this one has seen a number of different sponsors since it started in 2002. 

Condiments, though, are a surefire way to make your bowl sound more than a little silly. Too bad there aren’t any Ketchup Bowls, or Mustard Bowls, or Relish Bowls, or Ninja Squirrel Hot Sauce Bowls out there.

BTW, Duke’s Mayo is a Southern thing. Being from Charlotte myself, its honestly hard to imagine using anything else.

Trivia

• Nick Starkel, of Texas A&M passed for 499 yards against Wake Forest in 2017 (& lost!)
• Together, the teams put up 107 total points
• The winning quarterback in the 2020 game, Graham Wertz of Wisconsin, dropped the glass trophy, causing it to shatter
• Yes, the winning coach is indeed slathered in mayo

You didn’t believe me, did you?

8.  Famous Idaho Potato Bowl (Boise ID, 2011-)

You ever wonder if Idaho potatoes are ever anything other than “famous”? Delicious, maybe? Large? Tasty? Packed with nutrients? Nope. Just not gonna happen.

Too bad this wasn’t the Famous Idaho Potato Humanitarian Bowl. Yup, it’s the same one.

Trivia – see # 14

7.  Cheez-It Bowl (Phoenix AZ, 2018-19 / Orlando FL, 2020-)

I love those ridiculous snack brand names – Ding Dongs, Funyuns, Ho-Hos, Cheetos, Goo-Goo Clusters … Just not sure that’s the best name for any self-respecting bowl game however.

Ya gotta give those Cheez-It people credit though. Not everyone can lay claim to two bowl games. 

Trivia

• The Phoenix game was formerly the Copper Bowl; the Orlando one the Tangerine Bowl
• The Copper Bowl is now the Guaranteed Rate Bowl
• That bowl has also attempted to promote pizza, chicken wings & cheap lodging (Domino’s, Buffalo Wild Wings & Motel 6, respectively) 
• MVPs have included Aaron Rodgers, Le’Veon Bell, Zebbie Lethbridge & Trung Candidate

• The Orlando game seems to have attracted its fair share of companies that have subsequently gone out of business (Blockbuster & Micron PC)
• MVPs for it have included Phillip Rivers, Russel Wilson & Amp Lee
• In the 2015 edition, Baylor rushed for 645 yards, against UNC
• Confusingly, the Capital One Bowl was once called the Tangerine Bowl as well

There have been over 50 varieties of Cheez-Its over the years

(I actually think this particular one is genius)

6.  Walk-On’s Independence Bowl (Shreveport LA, 2017-19)

A bowl just for walk-ons? Who would wanna watch that?

Well, this additional incarnation of the Independence Bowl was actually sponsored by Walk-On’s Sports Bistreaux. Sounds like it’s just another sports bar, but with a Cajun theme & located mostly in the South.

Trivia – see above

5.  Tony the Tiger Bowl  (El Paso TX, 2019-)

I guess you could call this one the “cereal bowl.” Hah hah hah ... Sorry.

So, why not the Count Chocula Bowl, or the Cap’n Crunch Bowl, or the Professor Waldo Wigglesworth Bowl?

Well, for one thing, none of those are mascots for a Kellogg cereal, as is Tony. But, I mean, honestly, why couldn’t they have called it the Kellog’s Sun Bowl, or the Corn Flakes Sun Bowl, or something a little more dignified? 

It seems like the least they could do to honor the 2nd oldest bowl there is, one dating all the way back to 1935. 

Trivia – see #19, above

4.  Battlefrog Fiesta Bowl  (Glendale AZ, 2016)

Battlefrog, huh? Well, as far as I can tell, it has something to do with obstacle courses for adults. Do you remember that? It was, quite inexplicably, mildly popular for about 10 seconds maybe 5 years ago. Not too unsurprisingly, the BattleFrog company is no longer in business.

It does seem, though, like an odd sponsor for a repeat host of the national championship & a bowl that dates back to 1971. 

Trivia

• Controversy surrounding the game has included illegal political contributions and Arizona’s failure to recognize the MLK holidays
• 2 games, in 1996 & 2004, have resulted in 0-0 ties
• MVPs have included Browning Nagle, Mike Fink, Peerless Price & Junior Ah You
• Fink & Kirby Dar Dar have both run a kickoff back for 100 yards

Yup, that’s their mascot

3.  Beef O Brady's St Petersburg Bowl (Tampa, 2009-13)

So, what’s the St Petersburg Bowl doing in Tampa?  And what the heck is Beef O Brady’s?
As for the latter, it’s just another sport bar (with a very slight, corporate nod to the Irish pub), primarily located in the South. 

As for the former, I haven’t a clue.

Trivia – see #1

I’m guessing it was St Paddy’s Day

2.  Culver’s Isthmus Bowl (Madison WI, 2021)

Many questions here …

• Who is Culver?
• Why was an isthmus named after him?
• Where is said isthmus located?
• Why would anyone want to include the word “isthmus” in anything?  (It’s hard to spell, it’s hard to say & many people don’t even know what it means.)

Now, I do happen to know a little about Wisconsin and its capital city. So, I was eventually able to figure it out. Just in case you’re not, though:

• Culver’s is a Midwestern burger joint
• An isthmus is a geographical feature of Madison (between two lakes)

That said, who would possibly know outside of some cheeseheads? Guess they really weren’t looking for a national audience, eh? Considering it’s held at the Verona Area High School and features powerhouses from the DIV III Wisconsin Intercollegiate Athletic Conference and College Conference of Illinois and Wisconsin, I guess they just about nailed it. 

Trivia – Considering it’s only been played once, there might not be a lot here. That said:

• CCILW teams includes Carthage, Augustana & Millikin
• WIAC teams includes UW-Oshkosh, UW-Prattville & UW-Stout
• Sponsors include American Family Insurance (Smokey Anderson, Agent) & “the Shaw family”
• UW-River Falls defeated beat Washington Univ-St Louis 48 to 27
• UWRF also tied a Div III record with 44 first downs

1. Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl (Tampa Fl, 2017-19)

A couple of things we have learned so far on our journey:

• Lawn care products are inherently kinda lame, with their images of suburban dads puttering away another weekend
• They attract silly names (weed eaters, weed whackers, Snapper, Lawn-Boy, Bad Boy …)
• Nobody outside your local area knows what your cute, little moniker ("Gasparilla") means 
• Violate all 3 of those together, and I think we have a real winner

Trivia

• Participants have included football powerhouses Marshall, Ball State & Miami of Ohio (i.e., not of Florida)
• MVPs have included Duke Calhoun & Vintavious Cooper
• UCF racked up 587 yards against Marshall in 2019
• Gasparilla comes from a pirate, named Gaspar, who supposedly terrorized Florida’s west coast
• It’s also the name of a local pirate festival

Halftime entertainment?

Babes Behind Bars

 Yup, it’s a thing. Hot prison babes want to meet you!

Of course, in this day & age, it’s all online. Honestly, there seem to be dozens of sites out there.

Let’s take a look at one of the originals (founded back in 1989), the curiously named Cowtowninfo.com. It’s no longer supported and also seems to now go by the name jailhouse-babes.com.

I went through it and found the 10 hottest babes I could find. I’m listing them here in order of hotiness. For each, I’m including a hot photo, a description of the crime, and a quote from their submission. Where I could find one, I’m also submitting a photo that might be slightly less polished that I found out there just Googling around.

Oh, how could I forget … murderers only!

10.  Minnie Salinas  *

Shot her married lover’s wife, then married him before they both were caught

“Benevolent Gentlemen:  … Can vacillate between topics, will knock on door with alot of momentum for rare opportunities - grooming myself for greater things in life.   Desire to stretch outside my restless comfort zone.”  

9.  Michelle Thomas

Beat her husband to death with a pipe wrench then tried to finger her boyfriend for the crime

“Sinfully Seductive Siren – Seeking honest, serious gentlemen only.  former centerfolds dancer/model.” 

8.  Tessie McFarland  *

Druggie stripper & sex worker robbed & killed 2 (including a cop) with her ex-con boyfriend (shown below), surrendering to police only after a dramatic gun battle

“Exciting Woman Waiting!!”  [I guess so, huh?]

7.  Marcia Kelly  *

Got her daughter & 2 of her friends to shoot her husband for insurance money

“Texas lady looking for my hero to ease this time”

6.  Susanne Carno

Hired her not-too-bright brother (he called the local police to report the body) to strangle her husband for insurance money  

“Can you look beyond my lean 5 foot 7 inch, 140 pound body lightly bronzed by summer's light; beyond my naturally curly chestnut locks that delicately drape over my shoulders?”  [as well as my murder rap?]

5.  Tonya Ray

With her boyfriend, robbed a random stranger, then beat him to death with a baseball bat

“A Beautiful Mind – I want to find my truest match, do you feel a spark?  I'm waiting....”

4.  Beckey McConnell

“Reason for incarceration:  Murder ‘Didn't do it’!”  [of course not]

“TX Hottie! – I am of white Irish/German and Native American descent and a submissive little blonde cutie.”

3.  Courtney Duncan

Juvenile delinquent drugged, then shot her grandmother (who raised her), as part of a bizarre plot that involved another girl, as well as plans to kill their boyfriends (they chickened out)

“Passionate Flirt – I yearn to explore the wild and exciting, exuding erotic appeal and a taste of the forbidden.” 

2.  Melissa Chapman

Complicit in her boyfriend’s shooting of someone who he thought was flirting with her

“A LITTLE NAUGHTY, A WHOLE LOTTA NICE – Free Spirited, Fun-Loving Nymphet seeks mental stimulation/companionship with stable, secure, confident lad who isn't intimidated by looks, intelligence, time or crime.  Enjoys exercising his mind as much as his body.”  [nymphet seeks lad]

1.  Erin Ashlyn Moffatt

Druggie tried to stab her mother in the neck with a syringe, then strangled her 

“Texas Temptress, Sassy & Classy –  Also don't believe all you read about me…. No drugs or convicts please.”  [only the best for our Erin]

* - author has watched the TV documentary