Saturday, December 10, 2016

Wear This, Not That ... with Cam Newton

In case you haven’t heard, Cam Newton, the Carolina Panthers quarterback and reigning NFL MVP, got suspended this past weekend because of a dress code violation. It was only for the opening play, though that play did result in an interception and a subsequent field goal.

Now, that violation was particularly ironic as Cam used to be one of the sharpest dressers in the league. Lately, though, he seems to have become one of the strangest. Was coach Ron Rivera taking umbrage at Cam’s increasingly odd fashion sense? 

Actually, no. Newton simply forgot to wear a tie. Though his teammates offered to let him borrow one of theirs, seeing as Cam was wearing a turtleneck, he decided that would not be a good look, electing to suffer instead for the sake of fashion.

So, Cam, sounds like you could use a little fatherly fashion advice. Here are a few tips from a guy who actually wears a tie at least once week.


Yes, Definitely







Perhaps Not





Definitely Not







Concussion Protocol



Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Schmollywood

Hollywood, Bollywood, Dollywood. Would you believe there’s also a Nollywood (in Nigeria), Ghollywood (Ghana), and Chollywood (Peru)? Well, here are some of you may not have heard of.

#12  Jollywood – This is where they make all the comedies. Duh.



#11  Pollywood – And this is where they make pirate movies. And that means, not just Pirates of the Caribbean, but also Terry and the Pirates, The Pirates of Penzance, Bikini Pirates, and Space Pirate Captain Harlock. Lots of great water rides.



#10  Follywood – This place specializes in expensive disasters, like Ishtar, Waterworld, Heaven’s Gate, and Battlefield Earth. The ticket prices are probably the highest on this list, yet the lines are the longest, and the rides often break down.



#9  Volleywood – Tennis movies, anyone? That said, there really aren’t a lot of these. In fact, The Bleacher Report names only one, Wimbledon, starring Kirsten Dunst. They also mention that Woody Allen also did something called Match Point (though it’s really not about tennis). Finally, there’s Nobody’s Perfect, which features a guy who “disguises himself as a female tennis player to get close to the girl of his dreams.” I’m picturing a bunch of studios in the rough vicinity of Forest Hills, NY.


You call that a follow-through?


#8  Colliewood – This is where they made all those Lassie movies. It’s situated in a “weather-beaten, modern day American farm” in some unknown, unnamed state. 



#7  Olliewood – This place is dedicated to Oliver Hardy, part of the famous Laurel & Hardy duo. Stanworld, dedicated to Hardy’s partner Stan Laurel, is just across the pond in England.



#6  Gollywood – Not unlike Dollywood, Gollywood is an amusement park dedicated to Gomer Pyle. It’s located in Mayberry, RFD. Be sure to spend some time with Otis in The County Jail or ride The Lube Rack with Gomer and Goober. And don’t forget to save room for some of Aunt Bee’s pies.



#5  Mollywood – Following in the same vein, Mollywood is dedicated to Brat Pack actress Molly Ringwold. There are rides dedicated to Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, and Something to Live for: The Alison Gertz Story.



#4  Sollywood – I’m afraid this one is a tad obscure, but it’s officially dedicated to actors named “Solly.” And that means Solly Moeng (Life, Above All), Solly Ward (Youth Takes a Fling), and Solly Duran (Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero). 


The lovely Miss Duran


#3  Trolleywood – This where a Streetcar Named Desire was filmed. Yup, all 3 times. So, that’s means Brando and Vivien Leigh, but also Ann-Margaret, Treat Williams, and Beverly D’Angelo (from the 1984 TV movie), as well as Alec Baldwin, John Goodman, and Jessica Lange (from the 1995 TV movie). Heck, let’s throw in The Crowded Streetcar (1957) and A Street Car Named Bob (2015) too. You know this place has got to be in Nawlins somewhere, right?



#2  Wallywood – This is an exact replicate of the Wally World amusement park featured in National Lampoon’s Vacation. As such, it’s usually closed. Actually, it’s always closed.


Wally Wood was actually an American comics artist


#1  Brollywood – Umbrellas. Movies about umbrellas. I’m thinking The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. And, er, The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. And maybe … uh … The Umbrellas of Cherbourg? So, let’s put this one in, um, Cherbourg?


Actually, there are lots of umbrella movies out there – The Umbrella, Umbrellas, The Blue Umbrella, The Red Umbrella, The Umbrella Man, The Umbrella Woman, Umbrella Girl, Umbrella City, The Umbrella Coup, Yumrella, Umbrellacorn … Oddly, I’ve never heard of any of these.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

If you're on your phone, you're really not there

And that applies whether you're ...


At school



On the train



With your family



Walking around



Dining out



In nature



With your friends



At a concert



Cooking out



In Paris



On the boat



In India



With your sweetie



In Africa



At work



At Christmas



At your wedding



Pretty much any waking hour



Even in bed

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Misnamed Sports Teams

Some team names are fairly generic, and could be applied to anyone. You’ve got your fierce animals – tigers, bears, bulls, panthers. You’ve got your fierce birds – eagles, falcons, hawks, raptors. You’ve got your fierce people too – giants, titans, vikings, warriors. You’ve even got your fierce things – jets, rockets, bullets, thunder.

Some, on the other hand, are particularly suited to the city they’re located in. I’m talking Knicks, Celtics, Steelers, 76ers, 49ers, New Jersey Devils …

And some, like the following, don’t seem to make any sense at all …


#10 – Los Angeles Dodgers (MLB)

So, what is a dodger anyway? Someone who dodges things? Hey, this is baseball we’re talking about here, not dodge ball, okay?

Now, I’m sure you know that the Dodgers took their name with them when they moved from Brooklyn to LA. The team was originally called the Trolley Dodgers. I think it has something to do with public transportation back in the 19th Century. I guess we could update things and have Angelenos try and cross 110.



#9 – Orlando City (MLS)

I take it this is to distinguish them from Orlando United, or perhaps Orlando County. Orlando Athletic? Orlando Town?

Okay, so they’re trying to make this sound like an English soccer team. And, yes, it doesn’t sound too bad. 

I’ve got to wonder, though, what non-soccer fans think of it.  “The Orlando Cities? Why did they call themselves the Cities?”

BTW, they are also known as the much more Murcan-friendly Lions.



#8 – Cleveland Cavaliers (NBA)

So, you may ask yourself, what does Ohio’s second-largest city have to do with the English Civil War? Yup, according to dictionary.com, a cavalier is:

an adherent of Charles I of England in his contest with Parliament

Oh, but of course, you’re probably thinking of definitions 1, 2, and 3:
  • a horseman, especially a mounted soldier; knight.
  • one having the spirit or bearing of a knight; a courtly gentleman; gallant.
  • a man escorting a woman or acting as her partner in dancing.

Okay, well, maybe not that last one.

Bet you do didn’t know that the name was the result of a contest, held way back in 1970. Winner Jerry Tomko posited that the Cavaliers “represent a group of daring, fearless men, whose life’s pact was never surrender, no matter what the odds.”

Like this gentleman here


#7 – Los Angeles Clippers (NBA)

A clipper was a very fast sailing ship of the early to mid-1800s. They were typically built in New England and used to get valuable goods around Cape Horn. In particular, they were used to get tea to the Eastern Seaboard and to get people and supplies to San Francisco during the Gold Rush.

They have nothing to do with Los Angeles. 

They may have, however, have something to do with San Diego. Turns out the Clippers started in SD. They lasted there for 6 years, from 1978-1984. There was also a slightly better chance that an actual clipper ship actually might have berthed in that city once too.

Another contest "winner." Runners-up include:
  • Grunions
  • Starships
  • Seagulls
  • Oarsmen
  • Koalas
  • Skunks
  • Gob
  • Zoo

Or perhaps they meant one of these


#6 – Real Salt Lake (MLS)

Here’s another attempt to make American soccer teams sound like European ones. The particular model here is Real Madrid, probably the best European team – and the most lucrative one in the whole world – out there right now.

Real Madrid is actually short for Real Madrid Club de Futbol, or – en ingles – the Royal Madrid Football Club. So, in actuality, “Real Salt Lake” really means “Royal Salt Lake.” I’m assuming that’s for all those famous Mormon kings and queens then, right?

Well, at least it’s better than the names of the some of the older SLC soccer teams. Golden Spikers anyone? Blitzz?

Looks like we’ve got another poll winner. The runner ups were the Highlanders and the Pioneers. That last one is a traditional name for teams in the Mountain West region. Woulda worked just fine here, if you ask me.

BTW, no shortage of other blogs backing me up on this one:

Blitzz also happens to be the name of a hair band
(who woulda thunk it?)


#5 – Arizona Cardinals

Google tells me that the northern cardinal, cardinalis cardinalis, does indeed exist in Arizona. It’s at the very edge of its range, though, and is something of a rarity. This is in marked contrast to its near ubiquity in the eastern part of the U.S. The cardinal is, in fact, the state bird for no less than 7 states – Illinois (where the football team came from originally), Indiana, Kentucky, North Carolina, Ohio, Virginia, and West Virginia. But not, alas, Arizona. The most common birds in Arizona, on the other hand, are:
  • Gambel's Quail
  • White-winged Dove
  • Mourning Dove
  • Inca Dove
  • Anna's Hummingbird
  • Gila Woodpecker
  • Cactus Wren
  • Northern Mockingbird
  • Curve-billed Thrasher
  • European Starling
  • Great-tailed Grackle …

The Arizona Grackles would have been such a better name


#4 – Los Angeles Lakers (NBA)

Because there are so many lakes around LA? 

No, because there are so many lakes in Minnesota, dummy! Yup, that’s where the Lakers got started. Now, that’s a great name for a team from the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Not so good, however, for a semi-arid region prone to dry rivers, droughts, and wildfires. 

Few people know it, but The Lakers were originally the Gems, and once called Detroit home.

A Los Angeles lake


#3 – Memphis Grizzlies (NBA)

Because there are so many of them in eastern Tennessee? 

Actually, there are no grizzlies east of Wyoming. Nor are there any black bears, or brown bears, or any other kind of bear in the area. Eastern Tennessee, however, is another matter. I should know. I used to live there. I’ve met them!

Yup, we’ve got another relocation story on our hands here, folks. The Memphis Grizzlies actually started out in Vancouver, where grizzlies actually are indeed native.


"Grizzly Gets Date with Miss Tennessee" (sportsnet.com)


#2 – Utah Jazz (NBA)

When I think about great jazz – Ornette Coleman, the Bird, Coltrane, the Blue Note, Monk – I always think of Utah.

So, looks like we’ve got another relocation deal. As you probably already guessed, the Jazz originally came from Columbus, OH. Oh, wait a minute. Check that. The internets are telling me that the Jazz originally came from New Orleans. Huh! Who woulda thunk it?

Overall – and based on all these terrible misnomers – I have to wonder if all of us sports fans didn’t dodge a bullet when the following teams changed cities but didn’t keep their old names. Can you imagine the:
  • Washington Packers (MLB)
  • Oklahoma City Super Sonics (MLB)
  • Los Angeles Bridegrooms (MLB)
  • Tennessee Oilers (NFL)
  • Carolina Whalers (NHL)
  • New Jersey Rockies (NHL)
  • Kansas City Texans (NFL)



#1 – Anaheim Ducks

From all those lakes? You know, like with number 4?

Okay, this is the most embarrassing backstory out there. Turns out Disney put out a movie in 1992 called The Mighty Ducks. It was set in Minnesota, and was about a kids hockey team. It sounds like it was supposed to be heart-warming, but garnered a 6.4 / 10 on IMDb and 15% rotten rating on Rotten Tomatoes. As major studios are wont to do, they used this baby as the basis of 3 more films, called – imaginatively – D2: The Mighty Ducks, D3: The Mighty Ducks, and Mighty The Ducks Movie: The First Face-Off