Saturday, April 18, 2015

Presidential Notties

Well, we've had our presidential hotties (and first lady hotties as well). How about some guys from the other side of the aisle (so to speak)?


Not an unattractive fellow, it’s the hair that got this guy onto the list. I mean, honestly, had combs not been invented before the Civil War?

Yup, this guy was one of those mid-19th-century nobodies between Andrew Jackson and Abraham Lincoln. Here are some other hints as to his identity:

  • Before becoming a Whig, he belonged to the Anti-Masonic party
  • He would later run for president on the Know Nothing ticket
  • He was the second VP to become president upon the death of his boss
  • He probably has the funniest name of all the presidents

Give up? It’s …

Millard Fillmore


Few knew it, but our 25th president was actually one of the undead.

This scary-looking guy is mostly known for getting shot. He also:

  • Was the only president between Jackson and Wilson to be clean-shaven
  • Served in the Civil War under another president, Rutherford B Hayes
  • Was the first president to ride in an automobile
  • Appeared on the $500 bill (last printed in 1934)
  • Annexed Hawaii and went to war with Spain

And our first vampire president was …

William McKinley
(hmm, not much of a difference between those two portraits, now is there?)


It’s amazing what a beard – a real beard, mind you – can do for you.

This guy was part of that blur of nobodies between Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt. Not that much to remember him by, but I’ll give it the ol’ college try. So, did you know that this guy:

  • Was only 5’6”
  • Was a general in the Civil War (another one!)
  • Had the most states admitted during his administration, with six
  • Had electricity installed in the White House
  • Was known as “The Human Iceberg”
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the 23rd president of the United States …

Benjamin Harrison


Affectionately called President Porker …

Actually, this guy was not really an overweight tub of goo. Musta been the camera angle. Or maybe the lighting. Wait a minute ... This is a painting.

So, you’re probably wondering who this might be. Well, I can tell you that he was indeed bald. I can also relate that:

  • He was ambassador to Russia, Prussia, and the Netherlands before becoming president
  • He was sworn in using a copy of the Constitution, and not the Bible
  • While president, he liked to swim naked in the Potomac
  • After being president, he was elected to the House
  • Oh, his dad was president too

No, it’s not George W Bush. It’s …

John Quincy Adams


Future presidents learned from this man not to overdo the makeup when sitting for their official photos.

Now, this guy wasn’t especially good looking, but I can guarantee you he looked a lot better than he looks here. Here are some other clues to his identity:

  • He was awarded 87 honorary degrees
  • He lived in China and spoke a little Chinese
  • He was the first president born west of the Mississippi
  • He was a member of Stanford’s first graduating class
  • He’s one of two Quaker presidents

He also did quite a deal of good, but is mostly remembered for the Great Depression. He’s …

Herbert Hoover


They say his brain was the size of a small watermelon …

Well, I don’t know about that. I do know that he was bald, and was also rather famous for his whiskers.  I can also tell you that he:

  • Was the first president born an American citizen
  • Grew up speaking Dutch
  • Ran for re-election without a vice presidential candidate
  • Was known as The Red Fox,” “The Little Magician,” and “Old Kinderhook”

So, who do we have here?

Martin Van Buren


It’s an odd – and unfortunate – thing when your portrait is ten times less attractive than your photograph. I thought they could fix that kinda stuff up.

In addition to being not this bad looking, this president also:

  • Campaigned with the slogan “Fifty-four, Forty or Fight”
  • Promised not to run for re-election (and kept that promise)
  • Was the first president to have his photo taken while in office (see below)
  • Took us to war with Mexico
  • Died three months after leaving office

He also just so happened to have been born two miles down the road from me. I kid you not.

Did that last hint totally give it away? Yup, this dude is indeed …

James K Polk


Hey, nice hat!

I’m trying to think of another president who looks less like his younger self than this guy. Quite an interesting fellow, some of his many accomplishments include:

  • Climbing the Matterhorn
  • Writing 38 books
  • Winning the Congressional Medal of Honor
  • Winning the Nobel Peace Prize
  • Being the youngest president ever

Could it be? Yes, it is. It’s …

Teddy Roosevelt


This picture alone includes two important clues. This president fought in World War I. He also wore glasses (in fact, he had incredibly poor vision).

Need some more clues? How about:

  • His mother was in an internment camp during the Civil War
  • He read every book in the his hometown’s public library
  • He never went to college
  • His middle initial didn’t stand for anything

Yup, that weird looking dude is none other than …

Harry S Truman


Kind of ironic that our greatest president was also our least attractive. I'm sure there's no way this guy would ever have gotten elected dog catcher these days.

There’s been a lot of speculation over the years about what accounts for this fellow’s less than good looks. One early culprit was Marfan syndrome. Some of its symptoms – which he shared – include excessive tallness, long limbs, large hands and feet, and a sunken chest.

He was, however, strong and athletic, unlike most Marfan victims. He also seems to have none of the heart or eye problems that often come with the syndrome.

The latest theory holds that Lincoln suffered from a marfanoid disorder called multiple endocrine neoplasia type 2B (MEN2B). Whatever it was, he most certainly got it from his mother, Nancy Hanks, who shared many of the same physical characteristics.

Well, whatever it was, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that this fellow is indeed …

Abraham Lincoln
(the best looking picture I could find of him)

Dishonorable Mention
  • William Howard Taft
  • Jimmy Carter
  • Andrew Johnson
  • James Buchanan
  • Grover Cleveland
  • LBJ
  • Zachary Taylor
  • James Madison
  • William Henry Harrison
  • Richard Nixon

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