totally random garbage: Funnily Named Popes

Sadly, Pope Francis has passed away. With that, though, comes a new pope, the 267^th in line.

And with a new pope comes a new name. Will he be a Francis II, another John Paul, a Benedict, or perhaps something totally different? [This just in – it’s a Leo!]

I’m guessing, though, that the name the new pope takes will not be among the following. Yup, when you’ve got 267 of them, there are bound to be some duds out there.

So, here they are … the 20 oddest papal monikers over the centuries, from least so to most so.

20. Urban

I think I’ve heard this name maybe twice before – football coach Urban Meyer and baseball player Urban Shocker. Typically, though, “Urban” goes before things, like “Outfitters,” “Cowboy,” “Dictionary,” and “Jungle.” Just not that popular as a name.

Pope-wise, there have actually been no fewer than 8 Urbans, with the first coming in 222 and the last in 1623. Urbans are behind the first crusade, the feast of Corpus Christi, and the trial of Galileo. Interestingly, two Urbans were very set against tobacco, banning it inside and near churches. Finally, one Urban became a saint, with two being blessed.

Urban VII, pope for 12 days

19. St. Symmachus

Only one Symmachus, not too surprisingly. The roots of the name are “together” and “power.” So, maybe this was something like an early version of “United we stand, divided we fall.”

Symmachus was elected in 498, though not without controversy. In particular, another guy, one Laurentius, was also elected pope on the very same day. Though Theodoric, king of Ostrogothic Italy, ruled in favor of Symmachus, Laurentius eventually took over Rome and was de facto pope until his death a few years later. Symmachus would himself die a few years after Laurentius, in 514. The whole thing is very confusing.

18. St. Eutychian

Hmm, isn’t that the tube that connects the ear and throat?

Nope, that’s the Eustachian tube

This guy (there was only one) was pope from 275 to 283. Very little is known about him unfortunately. He may have buried 300-some martyrs and be the first pope to bless grapes and beans (?!?!), though these may very well be pious legends as well.

17. St. Hippolytus

“Hippo” is an inherently funny word, though it actually simply means “horse” in Greek. Interestingly, “lytus” means “rain,” so I guess this guy’s name comes out as “horse rain”?!?!

Hippolytus is another one-off, as well as another controversial one. In fact, he had three other possible pontiffs to contend with.

As with other early popes, who he was and what he did is all a bit vague. We do know that he was a Roman citizen of Greek descent, and reigned roughly from 217 to 235.

16. Celestine

Sorry, these guys have nothing whatsoever to do with this:

There are actually five Celestines, with the first coming in 422 and the last in 1294. Celestine I was notable for being pope during the very important Council of Ephesus. Other than that, Celestines seem to have had particularly short reigns, with one abdicating a day after being elected and another dying 16 days after his coronation. On a final note, Celestine V was the last pope to abdicate (in 1294) before Benedict did so just 14 years ago. Two Celestines have been made saints.

15. Conon

Probably not known as Conon the Barbarian.

In fact, we don’t know much about this guy at all. It seems he was a Roman citizen of Greek origin and was from Thracia. He was a compromise candidate, and ruled for less than a year, during the years 686 and 687.

14. St. Sisinnius

Undoubtedly our most sibilant pontiff.

Sisinnius was another short-lived pope, lasting for 20 days in 708 before succumbing to gout. He was a Syrian. And, yes, that’s about all we know about him.

He does, nevertheless, have his own holy medal

13. St. Telesphorus

What is this, a combination of telephone and phosphorous? How do you even pronounce it?

St T (I’m not typing in that again) is our earliest pope, being number eight in line. A Greek who was born in Italy, he reigned from 126 to 137. Sounds like he was a former hermit. He was also the first pope to be martyred since Peter.

St T (at least according to Google Images)

12. Boniface

“Bony face”? “Bonny face”? “Benefice”?!?!

Actually, it’s closest to that last one: “BAHN -i-fuhs”

Would you believe we’ve got nine of these guys? They reigned between the years 42 and 1404. Bonifaces were behind the ideas of AD (anno domini) and the papal jubilee. On the less illustrious hand, one was kidnapped and beaten by the French, and another was rumored to have killed a rival. Bonifaces account for two saints (and probably not including that last guy).

The purported murderer

11. St. Hormisdas

Only one Hormisdas, I’m afraid.

That rather interesting name just so happens to be Persian. Hormidz was a Persian martyr, who may have been related to his namesake pontiff. Or not. Things get pretty obscure way back when.

Our guy ruled from 514 to 523. He’s known for defeating the Acacian schism and reuniting Constantinople and Rome.

Perhaps most interestingly, Hormisdas fathered a son (before he became a deacon, that is) who in turn became a pope, one St. Silverius.

10. Formosus

Would you believe his name means “beautiful”?

Which is a little ironic when you consider that he was the guy whose corpse was exhumed and put on trial. Yup, it’s called the Cadaver Synod.

What did he do to deserve such brutal treatment? Well, Wikipedia says that he “sided with Arnulf of Carinthia against Lambert of Spoleto.” Seems the next pope, Stephen VI, was on the side of Lambert. Hey, the papacy could be very political back in the day.

9. Lando

Another one-off. In fact, Lando was the last pope to take a name never used before until Pope John Paul I in 1978.

Poor Lando served less than a year, broken up between 913 and 914. Not a lot happened in those few months. In fact, pontifically, the 900s were called the Saeculum obscurum (literally, the “dark age”).

That period is also called the Pornocracy, or the Rule of the Harlots. Seems the popes were particularly immoral during this time, as well as being under the control of a couple of scheming families. Will Durant called it “the nadir of the papacy.”

For some reason, this guy keeps popping up

8. Innocent

No shortage of innocence here. Would you believe there’s no less than 13 of these guys?

The first came in 401, and the last in 1721. Innocent highlights include a sacking of Rome, councils, crusades, the Inquisition, and fighting the Ottomans and Jesuits.

Innocents include one saint and two blesseds.

Innocent X, by Velazquez (left) and Francis Bacon (right)

7. Sylvester

Suffering succotash!

Looks like we’ve got four of these guys, reigning from 313 to 1111. Sylvester I called the first ecumenical council, the First Coucil of Nicaea (Nicean Creed anybody?). On the other hand, two Sylvesters were forced to leave their thrones.

Sylvester I, the only saint

6. St. Zephyrinus

Zounds!

A “zephyr” is a gentle breeze. So, I guess, this guy must have been something of a breath of fresh air.

Zephyrinus reigned almost 20 years, from 119 to 217. Sounds like he kept busy fighting heresies, including those from Marcion, Praxeas, Valentine the Montanists, and the “two Theodotuses.”

5. Eugene

Well, there’s O’Neill, and Levy, and that guy from the Walking Dead. And four popes as well!

Those four reigned between the years 75 and 1447. They were involved in crusades, anti-slavery actions, and some other stuff. Eugenes account for one saint and one blessed.

Numero quattro

4. St. Hyginus

Well, cleanliness is next to godliness.

Remember Telesphorus? Well, this guy came right after him.

Like his predecessor, Hyginus was also a martyr. A Greek, Hyginus reigned from 136 to 140. His main accomplishment in his short reign appears to be organizing the church hierarchy. He was the ninth pope.

Honestly, who knows what these guys looked like from way back when?

3. St. Simplicius

And simplicity is next to …

Simplicius was a Roman who reigned for 15 years, from 468 to 483. He combated the Eutychian heresy (see above), ended the practice of consecrating bishops only in December, and was on the throne when the last Roman emperor was deposed.

2. St. Zosimus

Zounds again! Or should I say zoicks!

Zosimus ruled for little over a year, during 417 and 418. He was a Greek, with possibly some Jewish blood. His short time in office was taken up mostly with Pelagianism (with a little Priscillanism on the side). Various decrees touched on the wearing of the maniple by deacons, the dedication of Easter candles in country parishes, and forbidding clerics to visit taverns. Wikipedia says he had a “fractious temper.”