Just finished rereading an old favorite of mine, Fat, Bald and Worthless (by Robert Easton). It lists some of the nicknames that royals and nobles used to get in years past. You know, Richard the Lionhearted, William the Conqueror, Vlad the Impaler, Ethelred the Unready …
What makes the book so amusing is names like that last one. Indeed, there are no fewer than 4 “the Fats,” 3 “the Mads,” 2 “the Balds,” though only one “Worthless” (poor Wenceslas, of Poland). Others include the Shaggy, the Shabby, the Dismal, and the Feeble, as well as Poor Fred, Nose Almighty, Son of a Bitch, and Frosty Melting Pot (I kid you not).
It all got me thinking (okay, so I was having a little trouble falling asleep) … What about today’s royals? What kind of nicknames might they have had back in the day?
So, here they are. I’ve listed them roughly from most in the news to least. I also stopped at George V, as that was just too long ago, plus they actually often had real nicknames back then. Enjoy!
William the Bald
Heck, it’s what’s Kate calls him anyway. No, not “William the Bald.” Just “Baldy.”
Sure beats “Wombat,” which was what his mother called him.
Kate, Saviour of the Windsors
The Queen calls Kate the Windsors’ “secret weapon.” Not sure “Kate the Secret Weapon” sounds sufficiently royal and historic though. I like this as the next best thing. “Saviour” has, in fact, been used before in just such a situation.
And it’s definitely a lot more dignified than “Squeak,” the nickname she had growing up.
Seems like George, Charlotte, and Louis are a little too young for anything yet, though I do understand Charlotte goes by “Lottie,” and George once told a member of the public that his name was “Archie” (?!?!).
Harry Redbeard
It’s been awhile since a royal’s sported a beard – George V (d. 1936), to be exact. And the only other royal who was a ginger I can think of would be Sarah, Duchess of York. So, it’s really pretty obvious, isn’t it?
Previous nicknames include “Spike” and “Potter.” Meghan calls him “H” and “Haz.”
Meghan the Moor
Believe it or not, that’s how someone with African ancestry would have been referred to, back in the day.
Childhood nicknames include “Flower” and “Bean.” Prince Charles like to calls her “Tungsten,” a salute to her toughness and strength.
By the way, some speculate that Meghan wasn’t the first royal with African ancestry, citing Queen Charlotte, wife of George III. In particular, they point to a couple of portraits. There are many other portraits, however, that do not point in that direction, as well as no real documentation.
Archie, of course, is a little too young for anything like this, though I do love the name Meghan uses with him – “Bubba.” Ditto for Lillibet.
Charles Longears
I mean, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? There’s also some precedent for something like that as well. Edward I of England was known as Edward Longshanks (in this instance, denoting his height).
The Google is telling me that Charles’ nickname is “the Loony Prince.” I must admit, I’ve never heard of that one before.
Diana the People’s Princess
So, here’s the first royal who already has a nickname. In fact, she’s pretty well known as the “Queen of Hearts” as well.
Other nicknames she gathered over the years include “Duch,” “Shy Di,” “Dynasty Di,” and the “English Rose.” She was also famously called “Squidgy” by one of her many lovers. Here they are being perhaps a little more discreet:
Camilla the Mare of Wales
Poor thing. But she’s really not that attractive, is she? Yup, she and Charles are quite the pair.
If you’re thinking I’m being too harsh, there’s actually some precedent for this kind of thing. Indeed, one of Henry VIII’s many wives was known as the “Mare of Flanders.”
I particularly like what Charles and Camilla call each other – Fred and Gladys, after characters from The Goon Show (a favorite of them both).
Andrew the Playboy Prince
And here’s another royal with something already in place. He’s also been called “Randy Andy.”
If you’d like something a little more historical, though, “Andrew the Lusty” might do the trick.
Guess we can’t really call him “The Perv,” or “The Monster,” though it sounds like he might deserve it.
Sarah the Stout
Like I say, these old nicknames were not always flattering. When you advertise for WeightWatchers, though, I think you’re kind of asking for it.
Believe me, the press’s nickname for her – the “Duchess of Pork” – was a lot worse.
We, of course, all know her as “Fergie.” Andrew teasingly called her “Duchy Doodle.”
Together, the two have been called the “Duke and Duchess of Disaster.”
Beatrice the Ox-Eyed
Yup, they do quite stick out. And, yes, this is an appropriately historic way to say that.
Sarah, her mum, calls her “Trixie Bell.”
Eugenie Crookback
Cruel, I know. She was, however, born with scoliosis. Though this was corrected with surgery, that would have been a permanent condition back in, say, 1500.
And that’s when Richard III was saddled with the exact same sobriquet. Archaeologists who uncovered his remains in 2012 were able to confirm that he and Eugenie both do indeed suffer from the same condition.
Edward the Quiet
You remember him, right? The last of Phillip and Elizabeth’s four children does indeed try to stay out of the limelight.
He’s supposedly Elizabeth’s favorite – a "quiet and efficient figure who does not seek attention or acquire headlines," according to a royal insider.
Sophie the Safe
Sophie, Edward’s spouse, seems equally beloved. According to a royal aide, she "is trusted and relied on by the Queen in a way I couldn't say applied to the Duchess of Cambridge or the Duchess of Cornwall. She is like another daughter to Her Majesty, they are that close."
In the press, she has been called a “safe pair of hands” – hence the nickname. Like Kate, she’s also been called a “secret weapon.”
Anne the Mare of Windsor
Poor Anne. Though steady and dutiful like Edward, she certainly wasn’t blessed in the looks department. Indeed, she, Charles, and Camilla are pretty much all of one piece.
Google is telling me her nickname is “Princess Grumpy,” another one I’ve never heard of. This one seems to have originated with the press, who she does not seem to suffer gladly. They’ve also nicknamed her “Her Royal Rudeness.”
Elizabeth the Long-Lived
Well, she certainly deserves it. At 95, Elizabeth is the longest-lived British monarch. And having reigned for 69 years, she holds the record for that as well.
Growing up, she was known in family circles as “Lilibet.” Prince Phillip used to call her “Cabbage,” and her grand- and great-grandchildren call her “Gan-Gan” and “Gary” (?!?!).
Phillip the Rash
Phillips was, of course, well-known for saying things off the cuff that he would later regret (or not, as the case may be). Of course, back in the day, being “rash” would probably involve lopping off people’s heads and invading places. In these PC days, though, simply saying the wrong thing will have to do.
Margaret the Sot
I’ve heard the “Party Princess” before. I like this one, though, as it reflects the directness that makes those old nicknames so delightful.
She was known as “Margot” by the family.
George the Stammerer
Thanks to The King’s Speech, we’re now all familiar with the speech impediment of poor George VI. Though that was largely hidden during his life, it would have been much more noted and discussed openly back in the day.
Google gives me some nicknames I’ve never heard before for George – the Industrial Prince and the Unexpected King. His first name was actually Albert, so he was known in the family as “Bertie.”
Elizabeth the Queen Mum
Here’s another one that was pretty firmly established. Seeing as she and her daughter could both be called “Queen Elizabeth,” it also makes a lot of sense. I also liked how the “Mum” reflects her informality and common touch.
Also known for a good tipple
Edward the Feckless
It’s kind of an old-fashioned word, but it does a pretty good job reflecting the Duke of Windsor’s irresponsibility, carelessness, and lack of character.
He was known as David to the family.
The Windsors, with friend
Wallis Scourge of the Windsors
There are already a couple out there with this nickname. The most familiar might be Attila, called the Scourge of God. And then there’s Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia (from Ghostbusters II).
Though Wallis Warfield Simpson didn’t kill anybody or destroy anything, she sure did do enough damage to the royal family’s name and reputation.
Am I detecting a resemblance?
