What were they thinking? Honestly, does something happen to parents’ brains during pregnancy? How else to explain the crazy stuff they come up with? Just in my office, recent additions include Wren Wright, Gwyn Klopp, Parker Pope (a girl), and Elliot Barrett (another girl).
I do know that a lot of parents want to come up with something different, something special. Compounding that is the fact that most expecting parents won’t share their ideas with others. So, no chance for feedback on whether that different and special name might not be just a little too different and special. And even if they do get feedback, they tend to become quite defensive at anything even vaguely critical. “It’s our child, and we’ll name it what we want!” End of discussion.
Here’s the deal though. You’re not naming yourself. You have instead quite a grave responsibility on your hands. Your child is going to have to live with whatever you come up with, for the rest of their lives. It’s not all about you.
Does it really matter though? You bet it does. Here are some things that researchers have shown can result when junior is saddled with the wrong name:
- Increased criminality
- Reduced employment rate
- Poorer self-image
- Poorer grades
- Poorer prospects at online dating sites
Fear not, though, expecting parent! As an amateur onomatologist who’s been studying this stuff for years, I can definitely help you out. Forthwith, a lucky 13 rules to a winning name for your future bundle of joy.
1 Avoid Alliteration
Why? Well, it’s typically used for comic effect, that’s why. I’m talkin’ Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Bugs Bunny, Beetle Bailey, Betty Boop, Tom Terrific, Tony the Tiger, Captain Crunch …
Now, some celebrities do seem to get away with it – Marilyn Monroe, Jesse James, Rachel Ray, Danny DeVito, Charlie Chaplin … Some, though, definitely seem to push the envelope a little – Mickey Mantle, Ronald Reagan, Gilbert Gottfried, Lucy Lawless … (which may have something to do with #3).
And some are just simply beyond the pale – Parker Posey, Travis Tritt, Lucy Liu, Wim Wenders …
Here’s the thing though. Celebs are familiar. Once others have gotten used to their names, alliteration might, in fact, help make them more memorable. So, will the same apply for your non-celebrity child? Or will that alliterative name just sound a little “mickey mouse”?
2 Don’t Rhyme
And let’s not forget the other end of each name either. Hard to believe, but it does happen.
Rhyming, like alliteration, is also used extensively for comic effect – Ronald McDonald, Hannah Montana, Amelia Bedelia, Anna Banana … The overall effect is definitely sing-songy. Can’t you just hear a bunch of grade schoolers chanting these?
Names with a matching number of syllables seem to stand out in particular – Mark Clark, Fay Wray, Jack Black … but also Harry Carey, Halle Berry, Katy Perry, and Shaquille O’Neal as well. Conversely, those with some variety seem to fair a little better – Conor McGregor, Marco Rubio, Jason Richardson …
And, whatever you do, don’t simply repeat the first name – Chris Christie, Kris Kristoffersen, Ricky Ricardo, John Henry Johnson …
3 Vary the Syllables
This one isn’t quite as bad as those first two. And for these, it’s really the one-syllable ones that stand out, especially if they’ve got some punchy sounds in there, like p’s and b’s and t’s and k’s. I’m thinking Jack Spratt, Mike Trout, Rand Paul, Rip Torn, Zach Braff, Kate Spade, Bo Gritz …
Even multiple syllable-names can sound a little funny though – Derek Jeter, Ferris Bueller, Jason Bateman, Barbara Billingsley, Jennifer Connolly … A lot depends on the where the stresses fall. That can get pretty technical, though, so I just recommend staying away from them altogether.
4 Vary Commonality
This one can go two ways. If you’ve got a weird last name, stay away from weird first names. You know, Engelbert Humperdink, Buford Pusser, Benedict Cumberbatch, Reince Priebus, Shia Lebeouf, Tallulah Bankhead …
Conversely, if your last name is as common as dirt, avoid the Johns, and Biils, and Marys and Anns. I’m talkin’ John Smith, John Brown, Tom Jones, Mary Richards …
What to do instead? Well, if you’ve got the first problem, try something nice and simple – Mike Krzyzewski, Jay Rockefeller, Zach Galifianakis, David Hasselhoff … And if it’s the second, feel free to spice it up a bit – Rashida Jones, Emmitt Smith, Dakota Johnson, Marlo Thomas, Serena Williams …
4 Don’t Vary Ethnicity
Honestly, this just doesn’t come up that much. I had to go to one of my favorite books, John Train’s Most Remarkable Names, to get the likes of Santiago Nudelman, Bernardo O’Higgins, and Siddhartha Greenblatt.
You get the idea, though, right? If you’re proud of your ethnic heritage, go ahead and call your child Padraig, or Mireille, or Kwame, or Dongmei. Those go perfectly with an equally ethnic surname – Leonardo DiCaprio, Mila Kunis, Cormac McCarthy, Mario Cuomo, Timothee Chalamet …
They also go well with more neutral, classically “American”names as well, whether they reflect your ethnicity or not – Ronan Farrow, Maurice Gibb, Uma Thurman, Julio Jones ... What they don’t go well with are equally ethnic surnames from other traditions. Think Yoko Johansson, Siorse Garcia, Dmitri O’Hanrahan, Giovanni Wroblewski…
5 Spell It Right
First off, you are not making your child special. And that’s particularly the case if you start with some well-worn favorite and try your best to butcher it up a little – Kaleb, Jaxon, Mychal, Ashlie, Shyanne, Chace …
What you’re really doing is sentencing your child to a life of answering the questions:
- How do you spell that?
- Why is it spelled that way?
- How do you spell that again?
- Could your parents not spell?
Are they out there? Sure, plenty of people are guilty – Courteney Cox, Britney Spears, Megyn Kelly, Khloe Kardashian …
That doesn’t mean you have to be though.
6 Don’t Get Too Creative
Sure enough, you can get creative with more than just spelling. For example, you can use other words never before used as names before. For some reason, those seem to be especially popular with celebrities – Apple Martin, North West, Blanket Jackson, Sage Moonblood Stallone …
Alternatively, just make stuff up – Whoopi Goldberg, LeBron James, Miley Cyrus, Ladanian Tomlinson …
For the second route, you’re gonna run into the same problems as with creative spelling. For the first, you’re just going to get blank stares and titters.
More rules next week
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