totally random garbage: How To Name Your Kid II

Last week, we looked at our first 6 rules for naming your baby. Here are 7 more …

7. Look It Up

You can accomplish two things with this rule. One, you can get a real feel for how popular your choice may be. And that’s really just to see whether the name you might think is unique and special is what everyone else is thinking is unique and special too.

Believe me, it happens all the time. In fact, it even happened in my own family. 20-some years ago, my wife was enamored of the name Conor. I tried to convince her that it was tres populaire and to go with something else, but was, alas, unsuccessful. Since then, there’s been at least one other Conor/Conner/Connor in every classroom, sports team, or youth group he’s been a part of.

Second, you can see if there are any associations that might cause trouble down the road. Everyone knows not to name their boy Adolf. Or, if your last name is Bundy, to stay away from Theodore (or Al or Peggy, for that matter).

Not everything is so obvious though. Just type it in and see what you get. Also see #13.

8. Make Sure They Go Together

I don’t think this one happens very often. But it is something to at least keep in the back of your mind.

Usually, these pop up as jokes – Charity Ball, Evan Keel, Robin Banks, Ben Dover, Barb Dwyer, Sam and Ella … There are, though, some actual cases. I’m thinking Ben Lyon (actor), May Elizabeth Cook (sculptor), Will Hunt (musician), Willie Thrower (NFL QB), and Claire Coffee (actress).

Yeah, those are pretty obscure, aren’t they? Alright, then, just think of anything with Harry – Harry Potter, Harry Blackmun, Harry Reasoner …

9. Consider the Initials

For me, this one hits particularly close to home. My parents didn’t seem to be too aware of this rule, naming me Clifford Paul Anderson. Somehow or other, though, I managed to dodge a lifetime of chartered accountancy.

It actually doesn’t seem to be that common, thankfully. An Internet search of celebs with this issue turned up only B list types – James A. Michener (JAM), Stephen A. Douglas (SAD), Lesley Ann Warren (LAW), Paul Thomas Anderson (PTA) …

A review of social media sites, though, uncovered quite a few for us less celebrated folks – STD, PMS, SOB, MSG, BLT, WTF, GAS, ARF, TIT, HAM, FAG, BAD ... This was also the case when it was only the first two syllables – BO, BM, BS, EZ, PP, WC – as well.

Will people even notice? As with #11, I think there is some definite teasing potential here, especially among people who might be less mature than you, the parent.

10. Consider the Nickname

Love Richard? How do you feel about Dick? It’s got to be Elizabeth? Which nickname are you gonna go with then – Liz, Lizzie, Liza, Beth, Betsy, Betty?

Another thing to watch out for is how a possible nickname might go with your surname. And that means alliteration (Peggy Person), rhyming (Chuck Tuck), combinations (Ben Ito), and who knows what else.

It seems a little far-fetched, but there are actually some celebs out there with these kinds of issues. Perhaps you’ve heard of songwriter Chris Cross? Singer Tony Terry? YouTube star Will Power (real name)?

Now, you do have some control over this. You can always introduce your little darlin’ as Benjamin, or Eleanor, or Samantha. But don’t be too surprised if those morph into Ben, Ellie, and Sam when you’re not around.

11. Consider the Playground

Kids can be cruel. Wear braces as a kid? Well, you probably got called “metal mouth” then, didn’t you? “Four eyes,” “pizza face,” “fatty,” “pigpen,” “carrot top” – seems like there’s something out there for everything.

An odd name is just one more excuse for bullying and ridicule. Dustin Hoffman likes to tell the story of being called “Dustbin” in elementary school.

Heck, even totally normal names can get the treatment – Dizzy Lizzie, Hannah Banana, Betsy Wetsy, Maggot (for Margaret), Ape (for April), Ellie Mae …

Think like a kid! What’s the worst a devious 6th grade bully can come up with?

12. Consider Gender

Gender-bending actually seems to be quite a popular naming strategy these days. Indeed, it seems especially favored among celebs’ kids – James (Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds), Maxwell (Jessica Simpson), Wyatt (Aston Kucher & Mila Kunis), Mason (Kelsey Grammar), Lincoln (Dax Shepard & Kristin Bell). And, yes, those are all girls.

Indeed, this one seems to go only one way. You’re not going to find a lot of girls’ names among the guys. There aren’t many Elvira Presleys, Erin Rogers, or Josephine Bidens out there. It’s pretty much a one-way street. When girls start taking over a name, parents drop that name for boys like a hot potato. In fact, would you believe that Shirley, Beverly, Leslie, Sidney, Kim, Kelly, Lindsey, and Alexis all were once 100% male?

13. Consider Meaning

We’ve already touched on the negative here (#7). It’s not just Adolf and Osama though. Ask yourself, what are your associations with names like Damien, Lolita, Hannibal, and Jemima? Okay. Now, how about Karen, Becky, or Chad?

Another possibility here is the actual, literal meaning of the name. Did you know, for example, that Mallory means “unlucky,” Leah “weary,” Cameron “crooked nose,” and Portia “pig”? Will anybody even know? Will anybody care? Probably not, but it is still a good thing to know.

Of course, you can always take a completely opposite tack, and go all positive. This can mean people you admire (famous or not), of course, but also ideas, things, and places as well. My eldest son, Liam John, is a good example of the former. That middle name of his is for a beloved uncle who passed away (on my wife’s side), as well as John Keats, John F. Kennedy, and John Lennon (on my side). As for the latter, you’re probably already familiar with Margaux and Mariel Hemingway. Did you know, though, that they were named after, respectively, Chateaux Margaux wine and a Cuban fishing port?