The Other Feller

There are plenty of unique names in the Baseball Hall of Fame. I’m thinking Killebrew, Schoendienst, Fingers, Blyleven …

There are also some that are not as unique as you might think. Would you believe, for example, that there is another Manush, another Coveleski, another Bagwell?

Overall, I was able to find 30 Hall of Famers who shared a surname with just one other MLBer. Interesting, huh?

Now, some of these are relatives – brothers, sons, even nephews and grandsons. In fact, there are even two brothers, Paul and Lloyd Waner, who are both in Cooperstown, with nary another Waner to be found on baseball-reference.com.

That leaves us with 17 Hall of Famers who have just one other namesake on the record. And that means those guys can legitimately claim to be the other Bagwell, or the other Hubbell, or even the other Feller.

#17 – BURKETT

• Jesse – OF, 16 years, .338 lifetime average, 1720 runs, 389 SBs, 3 batting titles, 62.8 lifetime WAR
• John – P, 15 years, 166-136, 2-time All Star, 1-time league leader in wins
• Nickname was “Sheets”
• Lifetime batting average was a lowly .093
• Was also a professional bowler 
• Notched 32 perfect games (as a bowler, of course)
  
  

#16 – GROVE

• Lefty – P; 17 years; 300-141; 3.06 lifetime ERA, 1.278 WHIP; 4-time league leader in wins, 9 in ERA, 7 in K’s; 106.7 lifetime WAR
• Orval – P, 10 years, 63-73, 1-time All Star, on Hall of Fame ballot for 2 years
• All 10 years with White Sox
• Lost a no-hitter against the Yanks with 2 outs in the 9th
• Faced 27 batters in a complete game against the Senators (with 4 baserunners eliminated in double plays)
• 1-time league leader in wild pitches
• Only MLB alum who went to Elmhurst Univ.
• Played minor league ball with the Longview Cannibals
  
  

#15 – HOYT

• Waite – P, 21 years, 237-182, 3762 IPs, 7 World Series, 54.2 lifetime WAR
• LaMarr – P, 8 years, 98-68, Cy Young Award, 2-time league leader in wins, 1-time All Star, 1.214 lifetime WHIP
• Full name was Dewey LaMarr Hoyt
• Won his first 9 decisions (tying a White Sox record shared with ... Orval Grove!)
• Went from leading the league in wins in one year to leading the league in losses the next
• Was arrested several times for drugs, eventually ending up in a Federal penitentiary
  
  

 
#14 – TRAMMELL

• Alan – SS, 20 years, 6-time All Star, 4-time Golden Glover, 3-time Silver Slugger, 70.7 WAR
• Bubba – OF, 7 years, hit 25 HRs with 92 RBIs in 2001
• Given middle name is Bubba, after a Univ. of Tennessee quarterback
• Starred at UT (in baseball), hitting .368 with 22 HRs and 105 RBIs in 2 years
• Ended his career by quitting the Yankees in the middle of the season, citing depression
• Son Brandon played at UT as well
  
  

#13 – CUYLER

• Kiki – OF; 18 years; 321 lifetime batting average; 4-time league leader in SB, with 328 total
• Milt – OF, 8 years, finished 3rd in Rookie of the Year voting, stole 41 bases that year
• Minor league coach for 10 years
• Part of Tigers’ fantasy camp
• Has a LinkedIn profile
• Seems like a genuinely nice guy
  
  

#12 – HUBBELL

• Carl – P; 253-154; 2-time MVP, 9-time All Star; 3-time league leader in wins, ERA; lifetime 2.98 ERA, 1.166 WHIP, 68.2 WAR
• Bill – P, 7 years, 40-63, led league in HRs allowed in 1921
• Attended the Univ. of Idaho
• Skull fractured by line drive
• Wore a steel plate to finish out his career
  
  

#11 – BAGWELL

• Jeff – 1B, 449 HRs, 1517 RBIs, 1529 runs .297 batting average, Rookie of the Year, MVP, 79.9 WAR
• Bill – OF, 2 years, 93 at bats, 2 HRs, .292 BA
• Hit .300 one of those years
• Nickname was “Big Bill” (he was 6’1”, a veritable giant 100 years ago)
• Went to Louisiana Tech
• Batted .402 in the minors in 1922
  
  

#10 – IRVIN

• Monte – OF, 8 years (+9 in Negro Leagues), All Star, led league in RBIs in 1951, .394 average in 2 Series
• Cole – P; 2 years; 2-2; 45 IP; 6.75 lifetime ERA, 1.544 WHIP; active 
• Middle name is “Rj”
• Nickname is “Swirvin’ Irvin”
• In the minors, was a Duck, Crosscutter, Thresher & IronPig
  
  

 

#9 – DUROCHER

• Leo – manager: 2008-1709, 3 pennants, 1 World Series title; player: SS, 17 years, 5350 at bats, 3-time All Star 
• Jayson – P, 2 years, 3-1, 3.09 ERA, 1.066 WHIP
• 99-mph fastball
• Major problems with injuries
• You can follow him on Facebook (though most of his posts seem to be updating his profile picture)
  
  

#8 – MIZE

• Johnny – 1B; .312 lifetime BA; led league in HRs 4 times, RBIs 3 times & BA once; 10-time All Star; 71.3 lifetime WAR
• Casey – P, 1 year, 28 IP, 0-3, 6.99 ERA, active
• Auburn grad
• Threw a no-hitter against Northwestern
• 1st overall pick in 2018
• #11 prospect in baseball for 2021
  
  

#7 – HARTNETT

• Gabby – C, 20 years, .297 lifetime BA, MVP, 6-time All Star, 56.9 lifetime WAR
• Pat – 1B, 1 year, 14 games, .189 average
• Nickname was “Happy”
• In the minors, was an Apostle, Shoemaker, Magician & Clamdigger
• Not to be confused with the Irish hurler
  
  

#6 – RADBOURN

• Hoss – P; 310-194; 2.68 lifetime ERA; once won 60 games, struck out 441 in single seasons
• George – P, 1 year, 1-2, 6.55 ERA, 2.045 WHIP
• Nickname was “Dandy” (or perhaps "Dordy")
• Had a 1.000 fielding average
• May or may not be the source of the kids’ book How Georgie Radbourn Saved Baseball
  
  

#5 – HANLON

• Ned – manager, 20 years, 1313-1164, 5 pennants, sometimes called the “Father of Modern Baseball”
• Bill – 1B, 21 ABs, .095 average
• Nickname was “Big Bill” (though he was only 6’)
• Attended St. Mary’s Coll. (CA) and Santa Clara Univ.
• Played for both Los Angeles and Seattle (their minor league teams, that is)
• Was also a Sacramento Gilt Edge
  
  

#4 – PAIGE

• Satchell – P; 24 years; Negro League: 146-64, 0.921 WHIP, 1620 Ks
• Pat – P, 1 year, 1-0, 16 IPs, 4.50 ERA
• Born in Paw Paw, MI
• Nicknames include “Piggy” and “Mabel”
• Ambidextrous
• 10 years in the minors included a stint with the Benton Harbor Speed Boys
• Hit a bases-clearing double in his 1st MLB at bat
  
  

#3 – FELLER

• Bob – P; 18 years; 266-162; 2,581 SOs; led league in wins 6 times, SOs 7; 8-time All Star
• Jack –  C, 1 year, 1 game, 1 inning, 1 putout, no AB
• Had scholarship offers from both Michigan and Michigan State
• Once played for Hazelhurst-Baxley, in the Class-D Georgia State League
• In the bigs, wore the same number as Bob, 19
• Spent only another year in the minors after his big-league experience
• Hung up his spikes to become a HS basketball coach, winning 4 state championships
  
  

#2 –SCHALK

• Ray – C; 18 years; 5,306 at bats; led league in catcher put-outs 7 times, fielding 4; all-time career leader in DPs turned as catcher
• Roy – 2B, 3 years, 282 games, 1112 ABs, 
• Wartime starter (1944 & 1945) for the White Sox
• Only other year in the bigs was 1932 (for 3 games)
• Led the AL in sacrifice hits in ‘45
• First name was actually LeRoy
• Played 20 years in the minors, including stints as player/manager
• Ended his minor league managing career by going 38-101 for the C league El Dorado Oilers
  
  

#1 – PLANK

• Eddie (Edward Stewart) – P, 17 years, 326-194, 4,496 IPs, 2,246 SOs 
• Ed (Edward Arthur) – P, 2 years, 10 IPs, 5.23 ERA, 1.839 WHIP, .500 fielding average
• Played for the Univ. Of Nevada (baseball & football)
• Is in the Wolf Pack’s Hall of Fame
• 72-57 in 8 minor league seasons
• Looked surprisingly like the Pirates’ Steve Blass (esp. with that hat on!)
  
  

Very Unusual Diseases

I really debated sharing this. I mean, honestly, I’m making fun of diseases!

There sure are a lot of them out there though. And some of have some really funny names too.

I should know. I suffer from a rare disease called Large Vessel Vasculitis. It’s an autoimmune order where your immune system attacks your own large blood vessels (like the aorta). It affects 1 out of every 100,000 people. 

And that’s been my entrée into the wild and wonderful world of wackily-named syndromes and disorders. While waiting for my diagnosis for my rather blandly-named disease, I had to contend with the possibility that I might have Giant Cell Arteritis, or Churg Strauss Syndrome, or Henoch-Schönlein Purpura, or Goodpasture Syndrome.

I actually got quite into the world of rare diseases. And this blog post is the result. 

Gallows humor, I guess.

So, what I’ve got here is 50 rare diseases with the most interesting names from this awesome list from NORD, the National Organization of Rare Disorders. Shall we get started?

1. African Iron Overload – like it says, abnormally elevated levels of iron in the body, first identified and more common in Africa; AKA Bantu Siderosis
2. Arterial Tortuosity Syndrome – like it says, the lengthening and twisting of arteries throughout the body
3. Blue Diaper Disease –  genetic disorder resulting in the incomplete breakdown of tryptophan in the intestines, causing bluish urine
4. Blue Rubber Bleb Nevus Syndrome – characterized by lesions on the skin or just under that are often dark blue; AKA Bean Syndrome
5. Bullous Pemphigoid – chronic autoimmune skin disorder featuring blisters, hives, and itching
6. Cat Eye Syndrome – chromosomal anomaly causing colobomas, gaps in the iris below the pupil that makes the eyes appear catlike
   
   
   
   
   
7. Complete DiGeorge Syndrome – the absence of a thymus at birth; contrasted with DiGeorge Syndrome, which means a merely underdeveloped one
8. Cri du Chat Syndrome – a chromosomal anomaly where newborns’ cries sound like cats’ meowing
9. Dandy Walker Malformation – a congenital defect affecting the cerebellum; named for two doctors who studied it extensively; AKA Luschka-Magendie Foramina Atresia
10. Duane Syndrome – a congenital eye movement disorder; AKA Duane Radial Ray Syndrome, Duane's Retraction Syndrome, Stilling-Turk-Duane Syndrome
11. Fatal Familial Insomnia – like it says, a genetic disorder that keeps sufferers from sleeping and which can even lead to death
12. Floating Harbor Syndrome – genetic condition with a number of different symptoms; named for the two hospitals where it was first discovered, Boston Floating Hospital and Harbor General Hospital in California
13. Fragile X Syndrome – a chromosomal anomaly where the X chromosome is damaged, resulting in many various symptoms
14. Geographic Tongue –  inflammation of the tongue with a map-like pattern (if you have a good imagination); AKA Wandering Rash of the Tongue
15. Goodpasture Syndrome – autoimmune disorder featuring inflammation of the kidneys and excessive bleeding into the lungs; named after Dr. Earnest Goodpasture, its discoverer
16. Grover’s Disease – characterized by temporary small red lesions, typically on the chest and back; AKA Transient Acantholytic Dermatosis
    
    
    
    
    
17. Hailey-Hailey Disease – genetic disorder featuring rashes and blisters on the neck, armpits, skin folds and genitals; AKA Benign Chronic Familial Pemphigus
18. Hairy Cell Disease – blood cancer characterized by thin, hair-like projections on B lymphocytes (a type of white blood cell); AKA Leukemic Reticuloendotheliosis
19. Hairy Tongue – lengthening and overgrowth of the bumps on your tongue, forming a brown or black coating
20. Harlequin Ichthyosis – genetic skin disorder where newborn is covered with plates of thick skin that crack and split; AKA Harlequin Fetus, Harlequin Baby Syndrome
21. Imperforate Anus – absence or abnormal location (vagina, bladder, etc.) of the anus
22. Jumping Frenchman of Maine – neurological disorder featuring an unusually extreme startle response; first seen in a community of French-Canadian lumberjacks
    
    
    
    
    
23. Kabuki Syndrome – characterized by distinctive facial features, suggesting the makeup of a Kabuki actor; hence AKA Kabuki Makeup Syndrome
24. Leprechaunism – an abnormal resistance to insulin, causing short stature and unusual facial characteristics, suggestive of a leprechaun 
25. Locked-In Syndrome – neurological disorder where the patient is completely paralyzed but conscious
26. Lymphocytic Infiltrate of Jessner – characterized by lesions on the skin caused by a buildup of white blood cells; AKA Jessner-Kanof Lymphocytic Infiltration
27. Maple Syrup Urine Disease – genetic disorder where urine and earwax smell like maple syrup; AKA Branched-Chain Ketoacid Dehydrogenase Deficiency
28. NORSE (New Onset Refractory Status Epilepticus) – continuous seizures that seemingly come from nowhere
29. Palmoplantar Pustulosis – like it says (if you know Latin, that is), characterized by blisters on the palms of the hand and feet; AKA PPP
30. Pentalogy of Cantrell – set of five birth defects that appear together, affecting the heart, lungs, bones & many other parts of the body; AKA Cantrell Deformity
31. Prader-Willi Syndrome – genetic disorder featuring an insatiable appetite; subject of actress Mayim Bialik’s PhD dissertation; AKA Willi-Prader syndrome, Prader-Labhart-Willi syndrome, Hypogonadism Hypotonia Hypomentia Obesity (HHHO)
    
    
    
    
    
32. Prune Belly Syndrome – congenital absence of the abdominal muscles, resulting in a severely wrinkled abdomen; AKA Eagle-Barrett Syndrome
33. Pseudo Hurler Polydystrophy – genetic disorder resulting in a build-up of toxic materials in the body’s cells due to enzyme deficiencies; a milder form of Hurler Syndrome
34. Pure Autonomic Failure – abnormal accumulation of a certain protein in autonomic nerves, resulting in low blood pressure upon standing up; AKA Bradbury-Eggleston syndrome
35. Q Fever – infection common among farmworkers and others who work with animals  
36. Schnitzler Syndrome – autoimmune disorder featuring a red rash; not to be confused with Schindler Disease, Schinzel Syndrome, or …
37. Shprintzen Goldberg Syndrome – `a disease of connective tissue, with symptoms resembling Marfan Syndrome (which Lincoln may have had); AKA Marfanoid-Craniosynostosis Syndrome
    
    
    
    
    
38. Sprengel Deformity – congenital condition where one shoulder blade is higher than the other; AKA Scapula Elevata
39. Stiff Person Syndrome – characterized by progressive muscle stiffness and spasms
40. Sweet Syndrome – a buildup of neutrophils (white blood cells) in the skin, resulting in fever and a rash; identified by a Dr. Robert Sweet
41. Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome – the foot’s version of carpal tunnel syndrome
42. Tethered Cord Syndrome – like it says, a set of symptoms caused by the spinal cord’s becoming attached to the spine, limiting its movement & causing a number of different symptoms
43. Tetralogy of Fallot – set of four heart defects that appear together; characterized by a blue tint to the skin
44. Timothy Syndrome – genetic disorder primarily affecting the heart; often results in webbed fingers and toes; named after Dr. Katherine Timothy, who first described it
45. Tooth and Nail Syndrome – genetic condition causing absence/deformation of teeth and small/undeveloped finger and toe nails
46. Tropical Sprue – tropical disease causing the intestines to not absorb enough nutrients
47. Usher Syndrome – genetic disorder causing deafness and blindness; named for Dr. Charles Usher, who studied it
    
    
    
    
    
48. Visual Snow Syndrome – neurological condition making one’s visual field resemble “snow” on an old TV; AKA Persistent Positive Visual Phenomena
49. Wandering Spleen –  weakness or absence of the ligaments holding the spleen in; AKA Displaced, Drifting, and Floating Spleen
50. Whipple Disease – very similar to Tropical Sprue (and also know as Secondary Non-Tropical Sprue); first described by Nobel Prize winner Dr. George Hoyt Whipple

Goodnight Moon (Disruption Edition)

With apologies to Margaret Wise Brown

Goodnight bookstore

Goodnight shopping mall

Goodnight newspaper, that brought me news

Goodnight movie theatre

Goodnight taxis

Goodnight record store, that brought me tunes

Goodnight video store

Goodnight phones

Goodnight objectivity, in the news

Goodnight jobs

Goodnight democracy

Goodnight world, goodnight

2020 Presidential Election Prediction

Gotta get it all down.

It’s certainly been in my head for a good long while. And as the big day approaches, it seems to take up more and more space up there. Heck, as an old political junkie, I’ve actually used it to fight insomnia, kind of like a particularly obsessed way of counting sheep.

So, with 2 weeks to go, my predictions for the 2020 presidential race …

Worst Case

I’m not sure my heart and nervous system could take another one of these, but here you go. This is really just taking various maps out there and turning everything that wasn’t at least “likely” blue to red.

Squeaker

This one basically takes the worst-case scenario and adds in the “leans” blue states, adding only enough of those to get Biden over the line (and in order of how they were polling on 538.com).

This could actually be the way things look on Wednesday morning if:

• The South stays red 
• The upper Midwest reverts back to blue

Best Case

I wish. This one takes the “leans” blue plus all the toss-ups (and one “leans” red, Texas) and paints them all blue. It’s really not that far-fetched, at least according to current polls. We’ll see …

Fantasyland

What if we eliminated all the “leans” and “likelys” from multiple sources, having them breaking blue, in both cases? You’d get something crazy (and highly attractive and extremely unlikely), like this:

My Prediction

I’m gonna play it safe here. This one simply takes the squeaker scenario and throws in two more states – Florida and Arizona – that seem to have a pretty good shot of reversing their 2016 votes.

How To Name Your Kid II

Last week, we looked at our first 6 rules for naming your baby. Here are 7 more …

7.  Look It Up

You can accomplish two things with this rule. One, you can get a real feel for how popular your choice may be. And that’s really just to see whether the name you might think is unique and special is what everyone else is thinking is unique and special too.

Believe me, it happens all the time. In fact, it even happened in my own family. 20-some years ago, my wife was enamored of the name Conor. I tried to convince her that it was tres populaire and to go with something else, but was, alas, unsuccessful. Since then, there’s been at least one other Conor/Conner/Connor in every classroom, sports team, or youth group he’s been a part of.

Second, you can see if there are any associations that might cause trouble down the road. Everyone knows not to name their boy Adolf. Or, if your last name is Bundy, to stay away from Theodore (or Al or Peggy, for that matter). 

Not everything is so obvious though. Just type it in and see what you get. Also see #13.

8.  Make Sure They Go Together

I don’t think this one happens very often. But it is something to at least keep in the back of your mind.

Usually, these pop up as jokes – Charity Ball, Evan Keel, Robin Banks, Ben Dover, Barb Dwyer, Sam and Ella … There are, though, some actual cases. I’m thinking Ben Lyon (actor), May Elizabeth Cook (sculptor), Will Hunt (musician), Willie Thrower (NFL QB), and Claire Coffee (actress).

Yeah, those are pretty obscure, aren’t they? Alright, then, just think of anything with Harry – Harry Potter, Harry Blackmun, Harry Reasoner …

9.  Consider the Initials

For me, this one hits particularly close to home. My parents didn’t seem to be too aware of this rule, naming me Clifford Paul Anderson. Somehow or other, though, I managed to dodge a lifetime of chartered accountancy.

It actually doesn’t seem to be that common, thankfully. An Internet search of celebs with this issue turned up only B list types – James A. Michener (JAM), Stephen A. Douglas (SAD), Lesley Ann Warren (LAW), Paul Thomas Anderson (PTA) …

A review of social media sites, though, uncovered quite a few for us less celebrated folks – STD, PMS, SOB, MSG, BLT, WTF, GAS, ARF, TIT, HAM, FAG, BAD ... This was also the case when it was only the first two syllables – BO, BM, BS, EZ, PP, WC – as well.

Will people even notice? As with #11, I think there is some definite teasing potential here, especially among people who might be less mature than you, the parent.

10.  Consider the Nickname

Love Richard? How do you feel about Dick? It’s got to be Elizabeth? Which nickname are you gonna go with then – Liz, Lizzie, Liza, Beth, Betsy, Betty?

Another thing to watch out for is how a possible nickname might go with your surname. And that means alliteration (Peggy Person), rhyming (Chuck Tuck), combinations (Ben Ito), and who knows what else. 

It seems a little far-fetched, but there are actually some celebs out there with these kinds of issues. Perhaps you’ve heard of songwriter Chris Cross? Singer Tony Terry? YouTube star Will Power (real name)? 

Now, you do have some control over this. You can always introduce your little darlin’ as Benjamin, or Eleanor, or Samantha. But don’t be too surprised if those morph into Ben, Ellie, and Sam when you’re not around. 

11. Consider the Playground

Kids can be cruel. Wear braces as a kid? Well, you probably got called “metal mouth” then, didn’t you? “Four eyes,” “pizza face,” “fatty,” “pigpen,” “carrot top” – seems like there’s something out there for everything.

An odd name is just one more excuse for bullying and ridicule. Dustin Hoffman likes to tell the story of being called “Dustbin” in elementary school. 

Heck, even totally normal names can get the treatment – Dizzy Lizzie, Hannah Banana, Betsy Wetsy, Maggot (for Margaret), Ape (for April), Ellie Mae … 

Think like a kid! What’s the worst a devious 6th grade bully can come up with?

12. Consider Gender

Gender-bending actually seems to be quite a popular naming strategy these days. Indeed, it seems especially favored among celebs’ kids – James (Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds), Maxwell (Jessica Simpson), Wyatt (Aston Kucher & Mila Kunis), Mason (Kelsey Grammar), Lincoln (Dax Shepard & Kristin Bell). And, yes, those are all girls.

Indeed, this one seems to go only one way. You’re not going to find a lot of girls’ names among the guys. There aren’t many Elvira Presleys, Erin Rogers, or Josephine Bidens out there. It’s pretty much a one-way street. When girls start taking over a name, parents drop that name for boys like a hot potato. In fact, would you believe that Shirley, Beverly, Leslie, Sidney, Kim, Kelly, Lindsey, and Alexis all were once 100% male?

13. Consider Meaning

We’ve already touched on the negative here (#7). It’s not just Adolf and Osama though. Ask yourself, what are your associations with names like Damien, Lolita, Hannibal, and Jemima? Okay. Now, how about Karen, Becky, or Chad?

Another possibility here is the actual, literal meaning of the name. Did you know, for example, that Mallory means “unlucky,” Leah “weary,” Cameron “crooked nose,” and Portia “pig”? Will anybody even know? Will anybody care? Probably not, but it is still a good thing to know.

Of course, you can always take a completely opposite tack, and go all positive. This can mean people you admire (famous or not), of course, but also ideas, things, and places as well. My eldest son, Liam John, is a good example of the former. That middle name of his is for a beloved uncle who passed away (on my wife’s side), as well as John Keats, John F. Kennedy, and John Lennon (on my side). As for the latter, you’re probably already familiar with Margaux and Mariel Hemingway. Did you know, though, that they were named after, respectively, Chateaux Margaux wine and a Cuban fishing port?

Special Extra Bonus Tip – Stick with Three

First of all, it’s gotta be a pain. I mean, what you do on forms? Second, it seems just a bit pretentious.

That said, there are definitely some out there though:

• Daniel Michael Blake Day-Lewis
• Julia Scarlett Elizabeth Louis-Dreyfus
• Caleb Casey McGuire Affleck-Boldt
• Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland

My advice to you, though, is that three’s company … and four (or more) is definitely a crowd.

You might also enjoy:

• You named your child what? (Boys)
• You named your child what (Girls)

How To Name Your Kid I

What were they thinking? Honestly, does something happen to parents’ brains during pregnancy? How else to explain the crazy stuff they come up with? Just in my office, recent additions include Wren Wright, Gwyn Klopp, Parker Pope (a girl), and Elliot Barrett (another girl).

I do know that a lot of parents want to come up with something different, something special. Compounding that is the fact that most expecting parents won’t share their ideas with others. So, no chance for feedback on whether that different and special name might not be just a little too different and special. And even if they do get feedback, they tend to become quite defensive at anything even vaguely critical. “It’s our child, and we’ll name it what we want!” End of discussion.

Here’s the deal though. You’re not naming yourself. You have instead quite a grave responsibility on your hands. Your child is going to have to live with whatever you come up with, for the rest of their lives. It’s not all about you.

Does it really matter though? You bet it does. Here are some things that researchers have shown can result when junior is saddled with the wrong name:

• Increased criminality  
• Reduced employment rate
• Poorer self-image
• Poorer grades
• Poorer prospects at online dating sites

Fear not, though, expecting parent! As an amateur onomatologist who’s been studying this stuff for years, I can definitely help you out. Forthwith, a lucky 13 rules to a winning name for your future bundle of joy.

1  Avoid Alliteration

Why? Well, it’s typically used for comic effect, that’s why. I’m talkin’ Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Bugs Bunny, Beetle Bailey, Betty Boop, Tom Terrific, Tony the Tiger, Captain Crunch …

Now, some celebrities do seem to get away with it – Marilyn Monroe, Jesse James, Rachel Ray, Danny DeVito, Charlie Chaplin … Some, though, definitely seem to push the envelope a little – Mickey Mantle, Ronald Reagan, Gilbert Gottfried, Lucy Lawless … (which may have something to do with #3). 

And some are just simply beyond the pale – Parker Posey, Travis Tritt, Lucy Liu, Wim Wenders …

Here’s the thing though. Celebs are familiar. Once others have gotten used to their names, alliteration might, in fact, help make them more memorable. So, will the same apply for your non-celebrity child? Or will that alliterative name just sound a little “mickey mouse”? 

2  Don’t Rhyme

And let’s not forget the other end of each name either. Hard to believe, but it does happen. 

Rhyming, like alliteration, is also used extensively for comic effect – Ronald McDonald, Hannah Montana, Amelia Bedelia, Anna Banana … The overall effect is definitely sing-songy. Can’t you just hear a bunch of grade schoolers chanting these?

Names with a matching number of syllables seem to stand out in particular – Mark Clark, Fay Wray, Jack Black … but also Harry Carey, Halle Berry, Katy Perry, and Shaquille O’Neal as well. Conversely, those with some variety seem to fair a little better – Conor McGregor, Marco Rubio, Jason Richardson …

And, whatever you do, don’t simply repeat the first name – Chris Christie, Kris Kristoffersen, Ricky Ricardo, John Henry Johnson … 

3  Vary the Syllables

This one isn’t quite as bad as those first two. And for these, it’s really the one-syllable ones that stand out, especially if they’ve got some punchy sounds in there, like p’s and b’s and t’s and k’s. I’m thinking Jack Spratt, Mike Trout, Rand Paul, Rip Torn, Zach Braff, Kate Spade, Bo Gritz … 

Even multiple syllable-names can sound a little funny though – Derek Jeter, Ferris Bueller, Jason Bateman, Barbara Billingsley, Jennifer Connolly … A lot depends on the where the stresses fall. That can get pretty technical, though, so I just recommend staying away from them altogether.

4  Vary Commonality

This one can go two ways. If you’ve got a weird last name, stay away from weird first names. You know, Engelbert Humperdink, Buford Pusser, Benedict Cumberbatch, Reince Priebus, Shia Lebeouf, Tallulah Bankhead …

Conversely, if your last name is as common as dirt, avoid the Johns, and Biils, and Marys and Anns. I’m talkin’ John Smith, John Brown, Tom Jones, Mary Richards …

What to do instead? Well, if you’ve got the first problem, try something nice and simple – Mike Krzyzewski, Jay Rockefeller, Zach Galifianakis, David Hasselhoff … And if it’s the second, feel free to spice it up a bit – Rashida Jones, Emmitt Smith, Dakota Johnson, Marlo Thomas, Serena Williams …

 

4  Don’t Vary Ethnicity

Honestly, this just doesn’t come up that much. I had to go to one of my favorite books, John Train’s Most Remarkable Names, to get the likes of Santiago Nudelman, Bernardo O’Higgins, and Siddhartha Greenblatt. 

You get the idea, though, right? If you’re proud of your ethnic heritage, go ahead and call your child Padraig, or Mireille, or Kwame, or Dongmei. Those go perfectly with an equally ethnic surname – Leonardo DiCaprio, Mila Kunis, Cormac McCarthy, Mario Cuomo, Timothee Chalamet … 

They also go well with more neutral, classically “American”names as well, whether they reflect your ethnicity or not – Ronan Farrow, Maurice Gibb, Uma Thurman, Julio Jones ... What they don’t go well with are equally ethnic surnames from other traditions. Think Yoko Johansson, Siorse Garcia, Dmitri O’Hanrahan, Giovanni Wroblewski…

5  Spell It Right

First off, you are not making your child special. And that’s particularly the case if you start with some well-worn favorite and try your best to butcher it up a little – Kaleb, Jaxon, Mychal, Ashlie, Shyanne, Chace …

What you’re really doing is sentencing your child to a life of answering the questions:

• How do you spell that?
• Why is it spelled that way?
• How do you spell that again?
• Could your parents not spell?

Are they out there? Sure, plenty of people are guilty – Courteney Cox, Britney Spears, Megyn Kelly, Khloe Kardashian … 

That doesn’t mean you have to be though.

6  Don’t Get Too Creative

Sure enough, you can get creative with more than just spelling. For example, you can use other words never before used as names before. For some reason, those seem to be especially popular with celebrities – Apple Martin, North West, Blanket Jackson, Sage Moonblood Stallone …

Alternatively, just make stuff up – Whoopi Goldberg, LeBron James, Miley Cyrus, Ladanian Tomlinson …

For the second route, you’re gonna run into the same problems as with creative spelling. For the first, you’re just going to get blank stares and titters.

More rules next week